Your sex questions answered, by a man who isn't sure if he's any good in bed

ONLY a lucky few of us have a perfect sex life, and it’s fine to seek expert help. Here Tom Logan answers your questions based on his hopefully adequate sexual skills.

My girlfriend never climaxes during sex. What should I do? 

Yeah, I’m not great at thrusting away for ages either. Have you thought about finding a girlfriend who comes a bit quicker? Maybe a woman who’s got the female version of premature ejaculation? God, that would be brilliant.

Which position gives women the most intense orgasms?

It’s a pretty big achievement me giving Emma an orgasm at all, so I’ve never thought about the intensity. My advice is: get her nice birthday presents, agree with her most of the time, and hope that overall you’re tolerable to go out with regardless of the orgasms.  

My partner can’t orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. Is that normal?

Yes. Definitely. I get by with a lot of rubbing, so my advice is: find the clitoris and make a mental note of where it is. I don’t know where I’d be without it.

How long should sex last?

Google says it can be up to seven minutes, which seems a lot to me. I think it’s closer to three. Or is that not enough? Women don’t seem to complain so long as they have an orgasm of some description, but maybe they’re too polite to say I’m crap in bed. There’s literally no way of knowing. I’ve only been out with four and one of them dumped me a week later in the cinema during Jurassic World. That was a shit day.

My boyfriend wants to try anal sex but I don’t like the idea. What do you think?

I’m definitely in favour of anal sex in theory (me doing it, not someone doing it to me). But I’m extremely grateful for any sex so I’m not going to rock the boat over one orifice. Just remind your boyfriend what it’s like being single and not having sex for ages, potentially with years of solitary wanking ahead. He’ll get the message. 

How can my partner and I take our foreplay to the next level?

Er, I think you can lick things off each other. Chocolate mousse, not Hellmann’s. I tried erotic massage on Emma but she got bored and just wanted to get on with the sex bit. I wish she’d told me earlier. 

How can I last longer in bed?

Good question. I’d love to be able to have sex for ages, like in films, but I’m too scared to try one of those sprays in case the sensation never returns to my knob. So to delay ejaculation I think of something unsexy like my childhood dog being put down. However that only works for about 15 seconds, and if I accidentally think of a sexy dog, like Lady in Lady and the Tramp, that’s it, game over.

Should I watch porn with my partner?

I tried this, even though I had a strong feeling it was a bad idea. Maybe I’m just not a very erotic person, but Emma kept laughing and saying things like ‘Look at those fake tits!’ and ‘This is ridiculous!’ Although in fairness I expect most real-life pizza deliveries aren’t that eventful.

What’s your favourite sex tip to leave a woman begging for more?

That’s never happened to me. I’d focus on more modest goals, like them not actually complaining during sex. That’s pretty hot in its own way, right?

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Teenager decides to dramatically limit her options with facial tattoo

A TEENAGER has had a facial tattoo, safe in the knowledge that it will age well and never be a source of regret.

Eleanor Shaw had the permanent face art done a month after starting her course at Huddersfield University, confident that it would impress all the lifelong friends she first met four weeks ago. 

Her carefully chosen tattoo is an intricate design of roses and thorns around her eye and cheekbone that will look like a smudgy jumble of colours from any kind of distance.

Shaw said: “I really think my ‘ink’ – as my lovely tattooist Needles calls it – makes me look so individual and is something I’ll cherish for the rest of my life. Even if I can’t wash or go out in the sun while it heals.

“My mum went ballistic when I video-called her later. She said the only people with face tattoos are murderers who’ve had them done in prison. I pointed out it’s hardly a cross I etched on my own forehead with a broken biro, or a teardrop under my eye. Although Needles’ assistant Daz did have both of those things.

“Then she started banging on about how I’ll never get a job with a tattoo all over my face. I reassured her that the other people living on my corridor are studying music production so we’re going to form a creative collective and become underground music stars. 

“She finally calmed down a bit and muttered that, with my body art and dyed blue hair, I should at least be able to get a job in Lush.”