Nineties generation makes formal apology for Britpop

REPRESENTATIVES of the 1990s are to make a public gesture of atonement for the appalling legacy of Britpop.

At a special ceremony outside the Good Mixer Pub in Camden, where many of the worst Britpop crimes were hatched and plotted, musicians and tastemakers will lay flowers and offer words of contrition.

Former Select magazine writer Wayne Hayes said: “People today can’t imagine how we were bedazzled by a figure like Liam Gallagher but when he promised we could live forever in a permanent 1966, we believed him.

“And now Britpop’s musical aftermath is a ruined, barren, grey wilderness, in which nothing can thrive except the Arctic Monkeys, Kasabian and Calvin Harris.”

Bassist Nikki Hollis, who can’t remember the name of the band she was in but they once supported Sleeper, said: “Tony Blair, Jamie Oliver, Chris Evans, FHM, an ongoing cottage industry of nostalgia television, ‘foodie’ festivals. That is our legacy and we must live with it every day.”

Tom Booker, an ex-NME journalist, explained why he awarded five stars to the last four Oasis albums: “We were only obeying orders.

“I was secretly into hip hop at the time. But I had a wife and children to feed, so when Be Here Now landed on my desk I did what I had to do.”

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God may intervene to keep Sunderland up

GOD has admitted being tempted to step in to keep Sunderland in the Premier League.

After losing 5-1 to Tottenham, manager Gus Poyet took the unorthodox step of appealing to the master of the universe for assistance.

God said: “I used to get involved a lot more in football, most weekends I was determining the result of Ayr-Forfar or denying Rochdale a penalty.

“Still there’s no greater use of my divine power than preventing a team having to play Huddersfield so I’ll see what I can do.

“The pre-match sacrifice of Guy Poyet’s first born son might gee me up a bit.

“And if I’ve got a miracle left over I’ll see about getting Lee Cattermole to stop hiking his shorts up to his nipples.”