People who alter their houses told to stop acting like heroes

HOME improvement enthusiasts are not doing anything that worthwhile, it has been claimed.

Researchers highlighted a tendency for house-adapters to talk about their ‘build’ in heroic tones while describing the many obstacles they have overcome.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “People who do work on their houses are really just giving themselves a nice present.

“They’re not changing the world for the better, like some brush-wielding Marvel superheroes.

“And if your house is shit to begin with it’s never going to be that great anyway.”

40-year-old Stephen Malley said: “We’ve got a very specific vision of how we want our home remodelled.

“It’s going to be light and airy, combining contemporary design with traditional materials. Basically we are creating a sanctum, where everything will be lovely forever.

“And if it means we have to sleep in the spare bedroom while the builders are in, we’re prepared to make those kind of profound sacrifices.

“It’s what Noah would have done if he didn’t have a flood to worry about, or Gandhi if he wasn’t doing whatever it is he did.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If the term ‘geek’ these days just means somebody with a detailed interest in something, you’re a real pornography geek.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Why not ask your local court to send you some film of the accused and you can tell them whether you reckon they’re guilty or not?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve been working on your novel for so long you spend half your time removing references to things like pagers and 8-track cassettes.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your boss is unimpressed on Tuesday when you claim her decision to suspend you while they investigate that stolen whisky is a witch-hunt due to the Leveson Enquiry.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve always done your bit for charity by living in such poverty everything in your house was bought in Oxfam.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your preparations for the London Marathon on Sunday are going well as wake up dressed as a bear and drenched in urine.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Dr Dre used to help with harvesting at your farm but you had to fire him for his insistence on dropping the beets.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
At the video reading of your grandad’s will, you learn that he spent the last of his money hiring a camera crew to film the video reading of the will.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Trapping your genitals in the fly of a pair of jeans, you’re rushed to hospital shortly after being permanently banned from River Island.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your WWII re-enactment gets a little out of hand this weekend as you and six of your mates get drunk and accidentally annexe the Sudetenland.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re the water-bearer, right? How about you piss off with this weather, then?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Contains flash photography, traces of peanut and scenes of a sexual nature.