Television cleverer than books

WATCHING television drama is more mind-expanding than reading contemporary fiction, it has been claimed.

Leading intellectuals believe that the quality of televised entertainment has increased in inverse proportion to that of books, which are now all about footballers, celebrities and vampires.

English literature professor Roy Hobbs said: “Book shops used to be havens of the mind, now they are full of bondage-busters and lilac-coloured paperbacks about sassy single women juggling a harem of hot men.

“And I can’t enthuse my students about the printed word when last Friday’s Justified kicked the shit out of anything by Hanif Kureishi.”

Readers are increasingly ostracised for their perverse lowbrow interests, with most office water cooler congregations now segregated into television sophisticates, non-spoilers, and bottomfeeders.

Legal manager Julian Cook said: “My boss asked what I’d done with my weekend and replied that I’d been rereading Joyce’s Ulysses.

“To my surprise, he sneered and said ‘Well, I suppose if you don’t want to stretch yourself,’ and turned away to discuss allegorical themes in The Good Wife with the work experience kid.

“I used to boast about being in a book group. Now people ask me if it’s some kind of therapy.”

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Public furious about having to find out who Maria Miller is

BRITONS are outraged about being forced to look up Maria Miller on the internet.

36-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “When I saw her on the news, my first thought was that Pauline Quirke for Birds of a Feather had lost a few pounds. Then I was like, Maria who?

“I deeply resent having to research this anonymous lady who is suddenly all over the news. Taking my money is one thing, but I really value my internet time.”

He added: “This whole expenses thing is far too convoluted to get in a lather about. But these pointless ‘culture secretaries’ need to start behaving because now this Miller person is taking up brain space that I’d reserved for Kim and Kanye.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Like anyone I know the names of the two big party leaders, Cameron and Farage, beyond that it’s Google time.

“We should limit these scandals to politicians who do proper stuff like wars and taxes.”