No-one watching Jamie's One-Pan Wonders actually going to cook any of this

NO-ONE  watching Jamie Oliver’s new cooking show is actually concentrating on the recipe in order to repeat it at home, viewers have confirmed.

The nation has admitted that although they are looking at their TV screens when the programme is on, the contents simply wash appetisingly over their brains while they tuck into takeaways from Deliveroo.

Viewer Tom Logan said: “Him off of The Naked Chef. Pan. One of. Pukka. Got it. Was there any dipping sauce for these spring rolls?

“It’s not like it’s a bad show, but when the entirety of world cuisine is only a few clicks away on your phone, why would anyone bother cooking? He should do a show about ordering this sweet and sour pork dish from my local Chinese restaurant, I’d be riveted to that.”

Girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “What was it about? It was Jamie. So it was probably the nonnas again. He can’t get enough of those Italian matriarchs.

“You don’t really need to focus on how he seasons and cooks lamb shoulders. It’s all white noise. Just bask in its ambient nothingness as you stuff your face with some food a motorcyclist dropped on your doorstep.

“I’ll definitely buy the tie-in cookbook for Christmas though. I like flicking through them.”

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'Are any of you single?': seven foolproof pub chat-up lines

PULLING women in pubs is easy because they hate being left alone. Still struggling? Use these fool-proof chat-up lines:


Sometimes actions speak louder than your slurred, lecherous words ever could. Even if gawping at honeys from a distance fails to entice, vacantly staring at them for half-an-hour gets their attention which is a huge hurdle to overcome. You’re in there already.

‘Are any of you single?’

Some women argue this sort of intel should be gathered subtly and tactfully, but most prefer a player who’s assertive and gets straight to the point. You’re also saving time by not talking to them based on their looks or personality but their availability. The female brain will note your practicality and classify you as husband material.

‘You’re probably the best-looking girl in this pub’

Give a compliment if you must, but it needs to be hedged as much as possible. If it doesn’t sound back-handed then there’s a risk their self-esteem might get dangerously high and before you know it they’ll realise they’re out of your league. You, of course, are God’s gift to the fairer sex and they need to earn your affections.

‘My mate fancies you’

The only thing more seductive than being approached during a night out is being accosted via a third party. Women are notorious loathers of maturity and confidence, so getting your friend to chat them up for you will win them over. It didn’t work during your school days at the Year 9 Christmas disco, but in the pub it definitely will.

‘How many guys have you shagged?’

When talking to women there’s always the risk of getting friendzoned, so be clear about your romantic intentions from the off by opening with explicit sexual interrogation. Once they answer, be ready to reply with some unsolicited opinions to keep the conversation going.

‘You look just like my ex’

Women judge a man by how much other women desire them, so by mentioning your ex to that blonde bird at the bar you’re bound to impress her. Don’t be surprised if she tries to tear your clothes off there and then as the raw animal lust overpowers her rational thought processes. Talk of a failed relationship does that to a woman.

Just put your arm around them

Physical contact is the most tried-and-tested chat-up line of them all. Draping your arm around a woman you’ve never met is so smooth she’ll ask the barman to stop pouring her drink, drag you to the bathrooms and bang your brains out. This happens every single time, guaranteed.