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Nobody gives a f**k about the f**king support act

NOBODY ever has or ever will give even half a f**k about the support act no matter who they are, gig-goers have reassured Ed Sheeran. 

Following a row about Macklemore’s pro-Palestine comments, Sheeran has been left with no support acts for the remainder of his US tour but has been assured that not one member of his paying audience will even notice.

Music journalist Tom Logan said: “Even arriving when the support is still playing is a cardinal error. The experienced gigger is thoughtful enough to wait in the bar until they finish.

“Who was going to an Ed Sheeran concert to hear Macklemore, whose last hit went straight in at number 48 in 2017? Nobody. Those unfortunates securing a good place at the front wouldn’t have known who he was until Thrift Shop. 

“Musicians book a support act because it provides them with someone to be much better than as a flattering comparison. Kicking them off a tour is as momentous to the paying public as changing the drum roadie.”

He added: “Also, the efficacy of shouting ‘Free Palestine!’ at gigs has been thoroughly tested over the last 50 years and been found to make no difference whatsoever. So you’d be alright not bothering.”

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One-night stand seeks online review and feedback

A WOMAN’S one-night stand has followed up on their sexual encounter with a request that she post feedback and a review on his profile. 

Sophie Rodriguez met Jack Browne at a Sam Smith concert on Saturday, went home with him, had full intercourse and left the following day with every expectation she would never hear from him again.

She continued: “Instead, first thing Tuesday morning I receive an email. Apparently he’s ‘keen to learn if she would recommend the service to friends and family’.

“Yes, I suppose I have given appraisals of his performance to friends, but I’m less ready to put it on permanent record even if there is an AI assist feature.”

Browne said: “Word of mouth is the best way to promote myself and even create repeat custom. Requesting an online review should become standard practice.

“It helps me improve. Was the cunnilingus of acceptable quality? Should the dirty talk be intensified or cut back? Should I have offered a larger selection of breakfast cereals? All helpful to grow the brand. The email says ‘Thank you for choosing Jack Browne. We hope you enjoyed your experience’.”

Rodriguez said: “I gave four stars and elected not to receive further marketing material.”

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