STARTING at university? You will meet so, so many middle-class girls, usually studying psychology, that you fancy. But they will also have these infuriating traits:
Not fancying you
While wilfully being attractive, the nice girls suddenly surrounded by are annoyingly sensible about who they sleep with, and how long it takes them to decide to. Is it too much to ask that universities are required by law to include ‘ease of getting laid’ in their prospectuses?
Having oddly-named friends
Hang out with middle-class-verging-on-posh girls and you will discover a social circle filled with Arabellas, Octavias, Harriets and maybe even a Jocasta. Worse are the nicknames: Minty? Cheski? Boodie? Were they made to swap names with their horses?
Making the most of university life
Nice girls fling themselves into activities such as rowing or the debating society, tempting you to follow. But nobody, however lovely, is worth getting up at 6am to sit on a cold, wet, miserable river for. Or worth listening to smartarse debates by 18-year-old twats who want to be Tory MPs for.
Questionable music taste
Uni has always been about being into cool bands, but trying to pull a girl devoted to an artist who was her favourite at her Gloucestershire grammar school is work. After your third Idles gig, you’ve been preached at so much you’d rather go to f**king church.
Having privileged existences
Young women at the upper end of the middle-class affluence scale do not realise it. It’s disconcerting when they say ‘You mean you’ve never been to Santa Fe?’ totally aghast, as if you’d just admitted your family lives in a sewer pipe.
Their alternative lifestyle choices
All students explore alternative choices at uni, not least middle-class girls finally free of their parents. Typically that means veganism or New Age woo, both equally hard to put up with. Eventually you will say ‘No, Olivia, I am not going with you to the Cornwall Festival of Druidism.’
Already having boyfriends
It’s disappointing in any circumstances to discover someone you fancy is attached. However at least at university this is the smallest romantic challenge you face, because as everyone knows sixth-form boyfriends last until mid-October.
