Normal people mourn the return of Doctor Who

WELL-ADJUSTED adults who enjoy quality programming are mourning the return of Doctor Who to the nation’s screens.

With the 14th season about to start, people who grew out of Doctor Who at an appropriate age are steeling themselves for yet another series of baffling, hyperactive time travel adventures and the now-familiar debate about whether it is dreadful woke bollocks.

Donna Sheridan from Shrewsbury said: “Ah, so the annual ordeal is upon us once again, like a tax return or a trip to the dentist. 

“It’s not a bad show when you’re eight and you don’t know any better. But once you’ve seen proper shows like Succession or, dare I say it, Edge of Darkness, it’s very hard to care about whether the Timeless Child bullshit is canon or not. 

“Yet somehow I feel the need to watch it. I don’t know if I’m praying for this one to be good or if I’ve got a secret interest in gender studies.”

Martin Bishop from Basingstoke said: “Great, that’s life ruined for the next few weeks. Nerds will bore you to death with their endless criticisms of a show they claim to love, while tabloids will be attacking it with barely-concealed transphobia. That’s what you want from a fun time travel show.

“Anyway, didn’t it come back at Christmas? Or last November? And wasn’t David Tennant in it again but now he’s not? And why the f**k do I know all this, I’ve never even watched it. Because I’m normal.”

Diehard ‘Whovian’ Martin Bishop said: “Trust me, nobody is more upset about Doctor Who returning than me and all the other members of Gallifrey Base. We will be forensically studying every second then saying it’s not for us anymore. Again.”

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Indecisive true crime fan still has no idea how she'd get rid of a body

A FAN of true crime podcasts has yet to decide on what is definitively the best way for her to dispose of human remains.

Ellie Shaw, who listens to stories about serial killers on a daily basis, knows exactly how she would carry out the murder, but is stuck on the crucial point of how she would then conceal it from the authorities.

Shaw cheerfully explained: “I’d kill him – and this is all hypothetical, of course – with antifreeze. That’s a no-brainer.

“It’s odourless so it would be dead easy to sneak into his drink. Women tend to favour non-violent means and I’m no different. Sorry if that makes me a bit of a basic bitch!

“I suppose my best options would be to either dissolve him in an acid bath or bury him under the patio. But I don’t have a garden, and even dissolving isn’t perfect. The Acid Bath Murderer John Haigh got caught, didn’t he? But not for a while, I think that’s why he’s one of my favourites.”

Shaw stressed that she has no history of violent offending and has never even received a parking ticket.

She said: “I’m a bit of a Goody Two-Shoes, to be honest. I’d hate to get in trouble, so that’s why it’s so important I get the disposal part of the whole process right. Fingers crossed it happens at sea and I can just lob his body overboard.”

Shaw’s husband Steve said: “I’m not overly concerned about Ellie’s indecision on this point. I reckon the longer she spends to-ing and fro-ing about it, the longer I’ve got left.”