'Big bike nonces' and other dangers we're only aware of thanks to Joey Barton

JOEY Barton is in trouble again for calling broadcaster Jeremy Vine a ‘big bike nonce’. But surely he deserves praise for highlighting threats we were completely unaware of? Like these.

Big bike nonces

A bike is ideal for paedophiles who want to pursue their victims in places a car won’t fit, but how can you identify big bike nonces? Luckily Joey provided a picture on Twitter, and they wear hi-vis jackets, cycling helmets with cameras, and look exactly like Jeremy Vine. So thanks for the info, Joey, and good luck with getting sued to f**k.

Little bike nonces

If ‘big bike nonces’ exist, it stands to reason ‘little bike nonces’ also exist, so anyone you see on a very small bike is definitely a paedophile. Some of them might claim to be ‘children’ or ‘clowns’, but nonces are known for being devious. String them up with the help of your unemployed vigilante mates anyway.

Pedalo serial killers

Pedalos can reach terrifying speeds of over 6mph, so if a serial killer chases you in one on a boating lake and you’ve only got a rowing boat, you’re dead meat. Your only hope is to distract them with a different victim, so push one of your kids overboard and make good your escape.

Evil girl pundits

Not entirely surprisingly, Joey is also being sued by ITV pundit and ex-footballer Eni Aluko, who he accused of benefiting from ‘dodgy money’ earned by her father when he was a Nigerian MP (although Joey says ‘senator’, and he’s bound to be right). It’s not clear what evil girl pundits will do to you, but they’re clearly a genuine threat and not the result of Joey being a massive sexist with nothing better to do than sit on his arse talking shite on Twitter. 

Refrigerated lorry sharks 

Sharks who’ve learned to walk on land is the sort of thing Joey would have nightmares about, so there’s every reason to think some would see the advantages of driving a refrigerated lorry. They could store seals and half-eaten swimmers in the back, and simply lean out of the cab to feed on hitchhikers.

Vaccine nonces 

Two threats feature prominently in Joey’s posts – nonces, and vaccines. So in his world of conspiracies it’s likely the two are connected, and everyone responsible for Covid jabs is a nonce. So next time the healthcare assistant gives you a booster, remember they’ve probably been noncing it up in Thailand at the weekend with Gary Glitter and his mates at AstraZeneca.

Random Liverpudlian drinkers

These are incredibly dangerous. Joey had to fend one off by punching him 20 times when he was shitfaced in Liverpool city centre in 2008. Thank God his decades of professional sports training gave him the strength he needed to thoroughly batter a member of the public! 

The Boche

When criticised for his comments about female pundits, Joey revealed his grandfather was gassed at Ypres. It’s not clear how this is relevant to sports commentary in 2024 – so it can only mean the WW1 German army is still a threat to Britain. If you notice the smell of chlorine, start screaming ‘GAS, LADS!’ and put a plastic bag over your head. But first check you’re not just at the swimming pool.

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Plonker, git, tosspot and numpty not obscene enough, says Britain