Incel wondering if being even more self-pitying will get him laid

AN ‘involuntary celibate’ is wondering if women would find him attractive if he was even more of a morose loser.

Having had precisely zero success with females by projecting his sexual frustration onto the world, Oliver O’Connor now feels the logical solution is to double down on his deeply unappealing, misogynistic behaviour.

He said: “I’m probably not blaming women enough for not shagging me. Posting hundreds of weird, embittered comments on 4chan rather than complimenting someone I fancy definitely seems like the best way to get a girlfriend. 

“Women all say they’re attracted to confidence, but this is just one of the many mind games those two-faced harpies play on poor, innocent men like me. Being a perpetual victim is clearly what gets them damp downstairs, and that plays right into my clammy hands.

“Rather than working out, making a mental note of normal things to talk about or brushing my teeth, I need to let women know they’re at fault for not wanting to give me blowjobs on demand. 

“The most effective way to get the message across is clearly barking Andrew Tate quotes during 2am gaming sessions and skulking around the darker recesses of Reddit. Women want a man they can fix, and there’s loads to get stuck into with me.

“If all that fails I’ll grow an even crappier neckbeard. No lady could possibly resist such a pathetic attempt at male grooming. Especially now it’s synonymous with sexual failure.”

Woman Nikki Hollis said: “Sorry, we only find the self-loathing schtick hot if you’re a rock star like Trent Reznor. The musical talent and millions of pounds do a lot of damage control.”

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'So, who else hates scum?': Six failed conversation starters with defector MP Natalie Elphicke

FORMER Tory MP Natalie Elphicke is doing her best to fit in with her new Labour comrades, but struggling to find common ground. These are her openers so far:

“Mental health? Lazy, overprivileged little f**ks more like”

Beginning with a common-sense criticism of the unmanageable disability benefit bill seemed uncontroversial, but Natalie was surprised to be met by stunned silence. Surely her fellow Labour MPs aren’t falling for the lies of the workshy and their leftie GPs?

“A few bullets into the crowd as a warning and that’s the protests over”

Moving to pro-Palestine protests should be safer ground. Everybody hates them clogging up central London with apologies for terrorism. Fight fire with fire, yeah? An awkward pause while Yvette Cooper explains that would be illegal. ‘Only according to the police,’ Natalie answers.

“The trouble is Rwanda’s too good for them”

Time to win friends. The MP for Dover outlines the reason the Rwanda policy was doomed: because Rwanda, with its one-party state and recent history of ethnic genocide, is an earthly paradise to these small boat vermin. What’s wrong with Antarctica if we need a deterrent? What does she get back? Nothing.

“My ideal dinner party guests? Owen Jones, Michelle Obama, Prince Harry, Gary Lineker and I’d serve death cap mushrooms”

Lightening the mood with a relatable hypothetical about four universal hate figures, Natalie’s shocked that it falls flat. Indeed some Northern wet claims to be a friend of Owen, which is like saying Pol Pot’s a decent guy when you get to know him. She’s beginning to have serious doubts about these people.

“Brexit, eh? Absolutely bloody brilliant”

Surely this is an area where there’s absolutely no possibility of disagreement. Whatever your party, whatever your beliefs, the Brexit that Boris Johnson so skilfully negotiated has been an outright triumph. That’s Labour policy, for God’s sake! But again nothing but glum faces.

“F**king BBC”

One last try, and just when Natalie was giving up she meets with enthusiastic assent. Everyone’s complaining about BBC bias, prejudiced Question Time audiences, selecting guests by political agenda, etcetera. Finally she feels she’s among friends until wait, what: these halfwits think Laura Kuenssberg is right-wing? Seriously? That woke bitch?