Northern culture honoured with enormous pie

THE North’s contribution to British culture is to be recognised with the installation of a 60ft bronze meat pie in Hyde Park.

The Arts Council commissioned sculptor Darcus Mayhew to create the piece, which is entitled A Taste Of Otherness.

A spokesman said: “The North isn’t just a vast, desolate tract of grey, smack-addled inertia populated by feral teenagers, broken fridges and starving, soot-smeared drug widows desperately clutching emaciated offspring to their pockmarked breasts as they plead for alms in a wheezy 60-Lambos-a-day voice.”

He added: “There are nice bits too, apparently. Canals or something. Although once you get past Derby you mustn’t drink the water.”

Sculptor Darcus Mayhew said: “The pie is a perfect analogue for the people of the North because it is fatty and made of meat. Also it’s very heavy, so visiting Northerners won’t be able to steal it.”

The sculpture has been drawing large crowds, mainly Londoners keen to commune with Northern culture. Web design consultant Fraser Palmer said: “I’d always thought ‘pie’ was a mathematical formula but today I’ve learned that it’s also a kind of savoury flan.”


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Arsenal Fans Hold Prayer Vigil For Adebayor Move

ARSENAL fans staged a candlelight vigil at the Emirates stadium last night praying that Manchester City's bid for Emmanuel Adebayor is successful.

Candles were lit in front of a hastily erected shrine depicting the striker in a taxi heading up the M6, while others released white doves clutching ceremonial transfer cheques.

Adebayor fell out of favour with Arsenal fans after sitting in a deckchair and reading a book on the halfway line during a Champion's League match.

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger said: "City are keen to sign Ade, as well as the tea lady and a really nasty painting of Ray Parlour in the board room.

"I offered them a brace of cheap Ivory Coastians and as many Frenchmen as they could fit in their van. The next thing I heard was the 'beep-beep' of a forklift backing up with all the money."

City will pay by the hundred-weight for the players, with Wenger offloading whatever leftovers are hanging around the changing room, and Tomas Rosicky.

He added: "I've completely forgotten what we originally bought him for. Does he clean the bogs?"

City are expected to field a 1-1-8 formation with Adebayor playing in the inside-wide-right-secondary-holding striker position until someone explains to Mark Hughes what midfield is.

Wayne Hayes, secretary of the Arsenal Supporters' Club, said: "Arsene brought us success, beautiful football and the glorious Thierry Henry. But if the Adebayor deal falls through, I swear I'll rip his cock out through his nose."

Meanwhile, as Chelsea captain John Terry ponders a move to Man City, his agent said: "John's a winner which means we'll need enough money so he can buy a solid gold Aston Martin and then pretend he won it by playing football."