Number of Scottish people in Edinburgh now down to three

THE number of genuine Scots resident in Edinburgh has hit a new August low of three, surveyors have confirmed. 

With the Fringe well underway, anyone native to the city has been left with no choice but to evacuate to avoid the flood of Oxbridge graduates and their arsehole relatives who pay to see their bollocks shows.

Bill McKay, who owns a flat in Tollcross, said: “I thought I could handle it. I boarded myself in, like Renton going cold turkey in Trainspotting. I lasted amost two weeks.

“But by then the constant barrage of feminist Shakespeare, angry Harry Potter monologues and political street magic seeped under the door, gentrifying everything. Even my Tennent’s Super. I leapt out of the window and didn’t stop running until Dalkeith.”

Susan Traherne said: “The pubs are rammed with wankers demanding a discount because they’ve doing a play about a pre-menstrual Stalin. Every room big enough for 12 people is staging a comedy show that abruptly becomes an examination of trauma two-thirds through.

“You can’t be Scottish and survive that. We’ve had no choice but to flee for the Highlands, leaving our flats behind us to be rented at three grand a week to five people who’ve been on Live at the Apollo.” 

Resident Ryan Whittaker said: “You have to hand it tae the English, coming up with something worse than all their f**king stag nights.”

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44-year-old realises people he considers famous and people his son considers famous has zero crossover

AN adult man has realised that his idea of an A-list celebrity shares absolutely no names with his teenage son’s.

Tom Booker, aged 44,  thought that the stars of his youth were universally well-known, but was thrown into existential crisis when his son Oliver drew a blank on every single one.

Tom said: “We were talking about the kind of top celebrities you’d never see on Strictly. I started reeling off names like Julia Roberts, Bono, and Robbie Williams. He looked up from scrolling as if I was insane.

“He’s heard of none. Not even Eminem, and I think of him as recent. He’s never even heard of the Spice Girls! He asked if that was what they called British colonisers. He’s so out of touch! Right?”

Oliver, aged 14, said: “No offence, but I don’t know what a ‘Noel Gallagher’ is and I’m not planning on taking GCSE History to find out.”

“Meanwhile, he’s never heard of major TikTok stars with names that are some variation of Lil Gronk, Pump Drip and Baby XxX. Like, how? How can you walk the streets and be unaware of these people?

“Oh, and George W. Bush. You know, the guy from the whispering meme.”