Woman gives toxic, abusive relationship with dating apps another chance

A WOMAN has decided to give her unhealthy relationship with dating apps one more go even though they have consistently done nothing but hurt her.

After vowing ‘never again’, Lauren Hewitt has gone crawling back to Tinder, Bumble and Hinge despite their record of destroying her confidence by matching her to the worst men in existence.

She said: “Yes, dating apps leave me feeling drained, paranoid and insecure. And yes, the last time I ended things with them I swore it was for good. But that was five whole hours ago. Perhaps they’ve changed.

“Maybe they’ve done some soul searching and installed a dick pic filter? Or maybe they screen profiles now and block men who have a photo with a dog that isn’t theirs? I owe them at least a download to find out.

“If they’re still awful to me then maybe it’s my job to fix them. Failing that, I’ll blame myself when it inevitably all goes tits-up. It’s such a familiar dance at this point that maybe I need to accept it’s what I actually want.”

The first man Lauren matched with said ‘Hey, you up?’ then called her ‘a bitch and a four’ when she failed to instantly reply.

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The Italian's guide to pushing into a British queue

YOU Brits with your neat queues and willingness to wait, so proud of an achievement so boring. Italian Paolo Cinquetti explains how to swerve that cazzate: 

Show zero shame

Why waste your one and only life? March past the queuers and plant yourself there at the front. Meek Britons will be so flabbergasted by the extremity of this breach of the rules, they’ll be too shocked even to tut. Yes, they’ll dine out on your rudeness for years to come, but who cares? You’re through security and on the flight.

Disrupt its structural integrity

A UK queue is as neat and orderly as uncooked spaghetti. An Italian’s role is to simmer it until it’s a tangle of strands and sauce. Come at the queue from an angle. Watch the nervous, territorial Brits edge around to keep you at their rear, then flamboyantly and fluidly slip through in Veratti through a defence. The queue is a crowd! Who’s next now? Declare it’s you!

Be beautiful 

The more well-groomed and aesthetically pleasing you are, the more you get away with in life. Monica-Bellucify your eyeliner, stride forth with the braggadocio of Berlusconi, and assume all the gasps you hear are due to your astonishing beauty, not passive-aggressive expressions of rage and disgust.

Create anarchy

A queue only works because everyone in it believes in it. Whip people into a frenzy with an impassioned speech that makes them question the fascist, anti-libertarian principles at the heart of queuing. Then stride to the counter of the post office while they’re rioting and return your ASOS order.

Don’t give a shit

Be honest. You British accept cultural quirks such as orderly queuing and apologising when you don’t mean it because you feel judged. Be Italian: be so confident you simply don’t give a toss what your fellow human beings think of you and nobody can touch you, no matter how nasty a stare they throw. Shove forth and say ciao ciao to giving a shit.