Footballers: what they're actually worth, by a bloke from the 80s

AS Brighton midfielder Moses Caicedo agrees a £115m deal with Chelsea, 1980s football fan Norman Steele explains the true value of this summer’s transfers: 

Harry Kane to Bayern Munich: £750,000

If you’re transferring to Germany you’ve f**ked up, let’s be honest. Nobody goes there out of choice. It took a world war to get my granddad to Stuttgart and he didn’t rate it. Keegan cost Hamburg half a million and only went because he’d twatted his knee on Superstars, so add half again and you’re good.

Moses Caicedo to Chelsea: £95,000

You’re not breaking into six figures for this one. First of all he’s from Brighton, who are shit, and he’s going to Chelsea, who are shit, so that’s knocking the price right down. Second he’s from Ecuador, so very much an unknown quantity with our weather. Pop him in digs with a nice family round Dagenham and see if he works out.

Declan Rice to Arsenal: £1,500,000

I’ve got misgivings about pricing him the same as Captain Marvel himself, but fair enough the Robson transfer was early in the decade and prices crept up. But for that much he’d better be able to take his booze or he’ll be buggered forging a telepathic understanding with the back four. They’ll want him on the sauce every night and playing still pissed.

Andre Onana to Manchester United: £20,000

He’s a keeper, for f**k’s sake. They’re simply not worth as much as other players because they can’t play football, that’s why they’re in goal. Who was in goal when you were at school? The lads who got picked last. QED.

Mason Mount to Manchester United: free

You don’t pay when a player’s shite, and Mason was shite at Chelsea. He didn’t even cost them anything because he was in their youth team. United are taking him on as a favour, probably done over a pint and a packet of Bensons after a game. Next stop Celtic.

Jordan Henderson to Al-Ettifaq: £4,250,000

Poor bastard. We’re talking Waddle to Marseille levels for this one, having to give up a nice spot in Liverpool to live in the bloody desert teaching a load of lads who don’t know which end the goal’s at how to play football. The only audience six camels and an oil derrick, and the only prize a cup you’d be ashamed to display. I’d rather retire.

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Craziness only attractive in hot women

A FIERY, tempestuous nature, outlandish behaviour and violent mood swings are extremely attractive if you are already a hot woman, research has confirmed.  

Traits including passionate outbursts, disregard for rules and boundaries and wild irresponsibility are incredibly alluring if displayed by women already gorgeous and preferably exotic.

Tom Logan of Swindon said: “I love nothing more than a hot-blooded, feisty woman. What could be more exciting that keeping pace with her impulsive demands?

“Though that intensity and storminess only arouse, I should confirm, in young women with heaving bosoms and long legs. Try that shit if you’re over 45 or over 12 stone and you can piss off.

“Nobody wants the unpredictable thrill of furious arguments one moment and tearing off each others clothes the next with a pasty munter with some kind of growth on her face. Those types need to look after their mental health and treat others considerately.

“My ex keyed ‘wanker’ on my car, told everyone she was my girlfriend after only one date and sent all my friends nude photos of herself with a helmet and gun. She was so unique and fun and zany.

“Of course, she was 22, raven-haired with liquid brown eyes, and had caramel buttocks you could bounce a quid off. Twenty pounds heavier and she’d been a pub anecdote at best.”