Number of the Beast: Six scary records that were as terrifying as a blancmange

ROCK stars wrongly believe their warped imaginations strike fear into the hearts of normal people. Here are some ‘terrifying’ records that just made you go ‘Yeah, whatever’.

Number of the Beast, Iron Maiden

There are two obstacles to taking Iron Maiden’s interest in Satan seriously: the teenage fans, and Spinal Tap soundalike Bruce Dickinson. In the unlikely event of Beelzebub chatting to him, he’d undoubtedly say: ‘Are all your minions socially awkward virgins, Bruce? And stop going on about your pilot’s licence. No one’s interested, posh boy.’

Enter Sandman, Metallica

The Sandman takes sleeping children into a world of nightmares. Quite disturbing, but not as much as the original lyrics, which contained references to cot death, until a producer understandably changed them. What’s genuinely terrifying is that the band thought this lyrical subject matter was fine to rock out at the Reading Festival with.

Fear of a Black Planet, Public Enemy

Not much fear involved if you’re a non-racist liberal and not a member of the Klan, although Literally No Problem with a Racially Diverse Planet isn’t a very good album title. Features the odd PE classic, including ‘Can’t Do Nuttin’ for Ya Man’. Fans will realise that the scariest thing about this album is Flavor Flav’s personal life.

News of the World, Queen

The cover depicts a giant robot holding the mangled, bloodied corpses of Freddie et al. However, actually listen to it and you’re back to standard Queen fare like ‘We Will Rock You’ and ‘We Are the Champions’, a song now associated with boring sporting victories. Not a murderous robot in sight. Even the track ‘All Dead, All Dead’ is inspired by Brian May’s deceased cat. Terrifying.

Pyromania, Def Leppard

Heavy(ish) metal is overrepresented in the ‘scary tunes’ stakes, but the thought of burning to death is genuinely horrible. Lucky the album isn’t about that then. Despite the blazing building on the cover, the songs are things like ‘Rock Rock (Till You Drop)’. Def Leppard themselves, as far as we know, have no interest in arson. Which is good, but disappointingly inauthentic.

Appetite for Destruction, Guns N’Roses

Appetite for Cakes, if Axl Rose’s recent appearance is anything to go by. The video to ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ is pretty scary, but maybe that’s just late-night coach journeys. The original cover showed a robot rapist, his victim and a monster. Not so much scary as offensively juvenile. This was replaced with pictures of the band with skulls for faces, which looked like a kids’ cartoon spin-off of Pirates of the Caribbean. And is every bit as scary as that sounds.

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Parent hopes crying child isn't injured enough for them to have to get up

A TIRED mum is silently hoping her yelling son is not hurt badly enough for her to have to move from the sofa.

Helen Archer has muted the telly and is listening carefully, praying that the impact she heard from the room above was just harmless horseplay and will not lead to an eight-hour wait in A&E.

Archer said: “It sounded like a dull crash, the sort of noise you’d get from falling off the top of a bunk bed or pulling a shelf of books off the wall.

“Is he shouting with pain, shock or just because he’s scared I’m going to go upstairs and catch him at whatever mischief he’s getting up to and is preemptively trying to quash my anger? I’m banking on the latter.

“This is the first time for five days I’ve had a moment to sit down and catch up with Eastenders, so as long as he isn’t stumbling in here with a smashed nose and bleeding all over my new Next rug, I’m going to ignore him and hope for the best.

“I’ll go up if he’s still crying in ten minutes. Or when Eastenders has finished. Whichever is first.”