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I'm having a petrol barbecue, and it's nothing to do with donations from climate skeptics

By attorney general Suella Braverman

THERE’S nothing like a juicy steak cooked on a proper petrol-fired barbecue, because petroleum is a completely natural miracle fuel we should extract more of.

Yes, I recently received a £10,000 campaign donation from a climate change skeptic, but it doesn’t affect my views on the environment. I’ve always loved coal and oil, and I firmly believe endangered species are a scam by Greenpeace to make you buy Arctic fox cuddly toys.

A petrol barbecue gives your food a unique tang, like sucking on a piece of burnt metal in a really bad traffic jam. And you don’t have the faff of bags of charcoal and firelighters – petrol goes up in an instant and you can start infusing your food with delicious acrid fumes right away.

Most importantly, it’s good for the planet. Without petrol, gas and oil, society will stop advancing. Do you want to live in a filthy hut with no electricity, toilet or internet access, or do you support unregulated fracking? Those are literally the only two choices.

So why do environmentalists say we should reduce our fossil fuel use? Simple – they’re all dreadlocked middle class wasters who’ve shrunk their brains to the size of a peanut with their ganja addictions. It’s that simple, I wouldn’t bother finding out more.

As for global warming, how can that be a thing when snow exists? As my parliamentary private secretary often says: ‘I can’t believe you’ve got a degree, Suella.’ He understands the challenges facing minorities and strong women like me.

Cynics have suggested that all my views are a transparent attempt to hop on any anti-woke bandwagon. But as well as having your car confiscated, do you really want every boy in Britain to have their penis amputated on the orders of the transgender police?

So this weekend celebrate your personal freedom with a petrol barbecue like me. Just make sure it’s a good distance away from your car, house, children, pets or anything not asbestos.

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Reading graphic novels, and other male hobbies that really get the ladies going

WOMEN love a man with interests – especially if they’re as sexually-charged as these. If you’re not already a devotee of one of these hobbies, try them and brace yourself for a sexual tsunami.

Steam engines

When you drag her to a crappy village in the middle of nowhere to look at a metal hulk that travels at 12mph, ask yourself – how turned on do you want your girlfriend to be? If the answer is ‘gagging for it’, be sure to drop in lots of facts about how this later model differs from the one you saw last week in similar, if not identical, circumstances.

Reading graphic novels

Women go weak at the knees at the thought of a man who reads – especially if his books of choice have pictures in them. They find superheroes particularly intellectually impressive. After you’ve shown her your collection of mint condition first editions, suggest she dress more like the impossibly busty heroines on the page. She’ll be undressing faster than you can say ‘She-Hulk’.

Fly fishing

Women love the idea of a macho survivalist type like Bear Grylls who can provide for them with his bare hands, or in your case hundreds of pounds of fishing tackle. Take her fishing one weekend – she’ll be soaking wet in more ways than one after a 7am start at the canal, reeling in exotic species like ‘perch’ and ‘trout’.

Clay pigeon shooting

There’s something inherently erotic about the act of firing a gun. Maybe it’s a bit like an ejaculating cock? Anyway, watch her lose control of her faculties as you don tweeds and protective earmuffs to shoot at falling bits of plate, tacitly assuring her that in the event of a pottery-based war, she’d be safe with you.

Brewing

Shakespeare once said something like ‘Beer is the food of love’. Prove him right by getting your lady friend involved in cleaning out your homebrew pressure barrel and measuring out yeast. Or give her a special night out at you and your mates’ beer-tasting evenings at the local flat roof pub. But be careful. Heavy stouts are a powerful aphrodisiac.

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