Nymphomaniac released with boring bits fast-forwarded

LAR Von Trier’s new film will be released in a version that fast-forwards to the nudity.

The original director’s cut of Nymphomaniac is over five hours long, but distributors felt that removing scenes would betray the director’s artistic vision.

Producer Tom Logan said: “All of the film’s content is there, it’s just that the scenes without naked flesh play at four times normal speed.

“You can still hear the dialogue just fine though, albeit at a slightly higher chipmunk-y pitch.”

Film fan Roy Hobbs said: “I remember employing a similar technique on my parents’ VHS player while watching Trading Places for the bit where Jamie Lee Curtis takes her top off.”

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Flappy Bird 'a metaphor for the pointlessness of existence'

THE creator of Flappy Bird has pulled the game after players failed to recognise it as a nihilistic art piece.

Developer Nguyen Ha Dong has taken down Flappy Bird despite making $50,000 per day from his game/existentialist artwork.

He said: “Flappy Bird was about the futility of endeavour – however hard you try in life, you’re going to die and it will all have been for absolutely no reason.

“Put simply, you are the bird, and the bits of pipe are all the fucked up things that happen.

“Our time on Earth is short, meaningless and fraught with bitter frustration. Flappy Bird articulated this concept better than any other creative work in history, but everyone focused on high scores instead of the deeper meaning.

“I should have stuck with its original title of Birth Loneliness Failure Despair Death. Obviously anything with the word ‘bird’ in it becomes an instant viral smash.”