You can have the f*cking place, Britain tells Romania

BRITAIN has offered to swap countries with Romania.

The sodden northern European hellhole has said that all the Romanians can come and live here if we can go and live there.

A Downing Street spokesman said David Cameron has written to the government in Bucharest, saying: “You want it? Have it. Have every shitty fucking square inch of it.

“It’s yours. Enjoy.”

The spokesman added: “I’m rather looking forward to being Romanian. The Black Sea has some beautiful resorts, but you can also go up into the mountains and pretend to be Dracula.”

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Danish giraffes unhappiest in world

DENMARK’S giraffes are the least optimistic about the future, according to a new study.

Researchers found that Danish giraffes believe their society is headed in the wrong direction and that it is no longer a good place to raise children.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “We’ve exploded the Scandinavian giraffe happiness myth.”

Scandinavian giraffes pay some of the highest taxes in the world, but benefit from a world class health system and, until recently, excellent child care.

Danish giraffe Erik Hansen said he was happy to pay higher taxes, but added: “I’ve noticed that in recent years the standards of nursery school care have dropped dramatically.

“If they are understaffed then I don’t mind my two year-old being plonked in front of the television for a couple of hours. Just don’t shoot it and feed it to some lions.”

Meanwhile, Danish lions are more optimistic than ever about their standard of living.

Thorvald Pederson, a six year-old lion from Aarhus, said: “Denmark seems to be really committed to its lions and our massive appetites. It really gets what lions are all about.

“I feel like this society is based around me and my needs and that makes me happy.”