Gravity wins at Sochi

EARTH’S gravitational field has been declared Overall Winner at the Winter Olympics.

Scientists analysing events at Sochi said they were basically people being pulled downwards by the natural forces of gravity.

Dr Mary Fisher said: “Skiing, snowboarding, bobsleigh – all just variations on falling.

“In most Winter Olympics sports the human participants could be replaced with boulders or broken refrigerators – in fact anything heavy.

“The only fair conclusion was to recognise the achievement of gravity rather than the toothsome rich buffoons who do snow-based sport.”

Accepting handfuls of gold medals on behalf of gravity, Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Without gravity nothing would go downhill, skiers would just stand there, stationary and feebly waving, until the spectators filtered off home.

“Thanks to this mighty ‘natural magnet’ we can enjoy the Winter Olympics, or at least the only good bit which is seeing snowboarders packed onto an air ambulance with a bit of femur poking out of their salopettes.”

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Putin bans rainbows

PRESIDENT Vladimir Putin has banned the meteorological phenomenon of the rainbow within his country’s borders.

The laws impose mandatory 40-year sentences without appeal for refraction of light through water drops in the atmosphere, and authorises the use of terminal force.

President Putin said: “This flamboyant, effete arc of many colours may be tolerated in the West, but not here.

“The attraction children have to rainbows is well-known and their delicate minds could be turned away from other, more patriotically Russian weather like violent thunderstorms and -40°c temperatures.”

Forces in the Urals have already engaged a rainbow with small arms and mortar fire, killing 17 civilians in what would be a tragedy anywhere else but is no big deal in Russia.

Also covered by the ban are lead crystal, soap bubbles, petrol on water, white horses galloping through spray, Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and the final circuit tracks in Mario Kart.

Scientists advised Putin that every snowflake is, in theory, a prism capable of separating white light into all the colours of the visual spectrum.

After a high-level conference, troops with flamethrowers have worked through the night to clear Sochi of all snow.