EARTH’S gravitational field has been declared Overall Winner at the Winter Olympics.
Scientists analysing events at Sochi said they were basically people being pulled downwards by the natural forces of gravity.
Dr Mary Fisher said: “Skiing, snowboarding, bobsleigh – all just variations on falling.
“In most Winter Olympics sports the human participants could be replaced with boulders or broken refrigerators – in fact anything heavy.
“The only fair conclusion was to recognise the achievement of gravity rather than the toothsome rich buffoons who do snow-based sport.”
Accepting handfuls of gold medals on behalf of gravity, Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Without gravity nothing would go downhill, skiers would just stand there, stationary and feebly waving, until the spectators filtered off home.
“Thanks to this mighty ‘natural magnet’ we can enjoy the Winter Olympics, or at least the only good bit which is seeing snowboarders packed onto an air ambulance with a bit of femur poking out of their salopettes.”