Osborne 'to take Olympic spectators hostage'

GEORGE Osborne’s plans to ransom the 80,000 spectators to the Olympics opening ceremony have been leaked.

After new figures showed that the UK economy is as profitable as the hog roast stall next to the Wailing Wall, the chancellor has contrived the biggest caper in human history to get the country back on an equal financial footing with Bhutan.

Co-conspirator Tom Logan said: “Allocation of tickets has also been controlled to ensure everybody in the stadium has a wealthy family, with the exception of Liam Neeson’s daughter, who was removed from the list after we watched the film Taken.

“While the crowd are distracted by Danny Boyle’s opening ceremony – booing loudly and asking each other why they just paid two grand to watch somebody farm sheep – the doors to the stadium will be bolted shut.

“George was worried for a while that the rocket launchers to repel rescue attempts would be a bit obvious but everyone’s bought into that ‘terrorist plane hijack threat’ guff.

“And he always knew that G4S would make an absolute cow’s cock of supplying security, allowing him to introduce troops that George has bought off with the promise of a fully-nude Katherine Jenkins concert.”

One unexpected positive in the kidnap plot is the inclusion of Russell Brand in proceedings, who is actually going to be shot in the face by Osborne to show the world that he means business.

Many now hope that negotiators will accuse him of bluffing and that Coldplay are also dispatched to prove he absolutely is not pissing about.

Logan said: “If all 80,000 cough up the ransom money then the economy should be just fine, but we are worried that Prince Charles is going to see this as his big chance to get his mum’s job and tell George to go fuck himself.”



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UK to beat science skills shortage with low-tech economy

A SHORTAGE of science skills in the UK is to be tackled by a return to more basic technology.

New workforce data shows Britain is experiencing a scientist drought, mainly as a result of boys wanting to do degree courses with some girls on them.

The government plans to address the issue by abandoning modern technology in favour of simpler, nostalgic devices like dynamo-powered bike lights and little tin boats powered by baking soda.

Science Minister David Willetts said: “There’s no reason why Britain can’t lead the world backwards towards steam engines, mangles and eventually re-discovering the wheel.”

A low-technology pilot scheme in Swindon has proven popular, with local people queuing for hours to watch a demonstration of an electro-magnet picking up some paperclips.

Willetts said: “Very few people know how to design an LCD TV, but more or less anyone can build their own crude puppet theatre.

“In the Britain of the future, families will perform their own DIY versions of Eastenders, with the clothes peg characters and the Queen Vic represented by a dishcloth.”

Swindon resident Stephen Malley said: “The new old technology is great, although I did have to take my son’s zoetrope off him after I caught him wanking over a rotating cardboard strip containing pictures of can-can girls.”

His teenage daughter, Nikki, said: “I miss texting, but I’ve already learned how to transmit ‘Kelly Jones is a massive slag’ in Morse code.”

The low-tech economy is already creating jobs as work begins on Britain’s new fleet of ironclad warships, armed with a deadly array of cannons and muskets.