Oscars ceremony includes moving tribute to shit films

LAST night’s Academy Awards featured an emotional tribute to the dire cinematic fodder that keeps the industry going.

Jason Statham, Hollywood’s face of routine action movies, presented a montage celebrating lucrative generic films made by people who would rather have been doing something else.

He said: “As everyone knows, the last thing you want after a rough week is a detailed and moving character study full of emotions.

“You want jokes about pizza, you want poltergeists, you want Ice Cube resentfully undertaking a car journey with some irritating kids. You want to be able to go off and do something else for 20 minutes and not miss anything important.

“So here’s to the Paranormal Activity franchise and to any film involving a cop in a disguise.”

The montage included clips from sub-par hits of previous decades, including Hard Target, Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls and The Notebook, all of which were applauded by an audience that knows where the money comes from.

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Overpaid council boss refreshingly open about it

LOCAL council chief Tom Logan has responded to criticism of his immense salary by confirming he is one lucky mediocre bastard.

Logan gets paid over £200,000 per year to make sure everyone’s bins get collected, plus regular massive bonuses just for sticking around.

He said: “Nobody is more shocked by what I earn than me. I wasn’t even clever at school.

“I am responsible for things like the running of buses, which was set up decades ago. All they do is drive around in circles picking people up, so that’s pretty well sorted.

“I would expect to get paid £45k at a push, but they keep ladling on the cash and I am certainly not complaining.

“Just for a laugh I asked to have a Bentley for my work car. The next day it turned up, which believe me is the fastest a thing has ever happened in council-land.

“It has lovely leather seats and a special holder for my drink that pops out with a swoosh sound.

“I have six special Starbucks coffees a day because fuck it why not.”

Logan added that he also has a big house with a kitchen all made from the special wood that his wife wanted.