Britain arguing over who hated Blur first

THE UK is locked in argument about who was the first person to realise that Blur were the most loathsome band ever.

The despised band’s announcement of a new album has millions rowing about the age, depth and intensity of their hatred.

Joseph Turner of Reading said: “My mate Steve says they made him sick to his stomach since Country House when I know for a fact he bought The Great Escape, which makes him almost as bad as them.

“Not as bad as cheesemaking coke-chops Alex James, obviously, but as bad as that dick of a drummer who keeps standing as a Labour MP.”

Helen Archer of Manchester said: “Their name has been a curseword in the North ever since Britpop, but I’m proud to say I smashed a vinyl copy of Modern Life Is Rubbish way back in 1993.

“I actually took a bottle of piss to a gig the year before that had Damon’s name all over it, but Suede played first and it was like my throwing arm had a life of its own.”

Blur guitarist Graham Coxon said: “Modern Life Is Rubbish? Pah. I’ve detested this group, and the very experience of being in it, since There’s No Other Way.

“I only agreed to form it in the first place to make us so famous that everyone in the world would hate Damon as much as I do.

“Mission accomplished. Long, long since accomplished.”

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Peter Oborne has thrush.