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Paddington, and other unusual targets of Prince Harry's memoir

DETAILS of Prince Harry’s bombshell memoir have been announced, including these unlikely targets of his unflinching rage.

Paddington

Don’t let his public image fool you, Harry warns in an explosive chapter titled ‘That Prick From Peru’. The CGI bear might look all cute and cuddly on the surface, but that’s just a facade. He’s actually a right prima donna who treated the runners like shit when he filmed the Platinum Jubilee thing. Yes, he took Harry’s place in the skit, but that’s besides the point.

Prince Louis

The Prince of Wales is only four years old, but even he doesn’t escape from Harry’s unwavering wrath. The Duke of Sussex takes issue with the way cheeky Louis hogs the limelight during public events by gurning for the cameras or doing a big yawn. That used to be Harry’s gig, and he should learn to back the f**k off if he knows what’s good for him.

Meghan

These expletive-leaden paragraphs were included purely to show to the world that Harry isn’t henpecked by his missus. Expect to read excoriating details about how she sometimes forgets to ask the maid unload the dishwasher straight away and never remembers to charge the Tesla. Available as an online exclusive download at Meghan’s kind discretion.

Zig and Zag

Surely there’s no connection between the fifth in line to the throne and two puppet aliens from the late Eighties? Incredibly, there is. And it’s a scandal the press has diligently kept hush-hush about for years like the ‘Prince of Pegging’ rumours. To read all the sordid details you’ll have to pick up a copy when Spare hits the shelves.

You

Yeah, that’s right, Harry’s got it on for you and all. You probably laughed at him once in the privacy of your home when he dressed up as a Nazi, or tried to grab a selfie with him when he was busting for a piss. He hasn’t forgotten, and he hasn’t forgiven. Not so funny now the tables have turned, is it?

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A first look at Vladimir Putin's exciting new column in the Daily Express

GREETINGS like-minded English people. Are you an old, angry white man wanting to talk freely out of your arse without fear of contradiction? Then this is the column for you.

Here are some exclusive snippets of what will I will be discussing over the coming weeks.

On women

Battleaxes. Dominant. Impossible to live with. It’s just as well that they’re second-class citizens. See what happens when you give them a bit of power? Your Liz Truss! No woman has led Russia, except the crying woman Gorbachev. I like Margaret Thatcher though. Genuinely terrifying.

On the LGBTQ+ community

In Russia there are no lesbians, gays, bisexuals or transgender people. Never have been and never will be. We are all MEN, except for the women. And they are tougher than your weak, snivelling males. You listen to too much ABBA. Dancing Queen is the root of all your decadent Western problems.

On protestors

At every mass demonstration, whatever their banners say, what they are really shouting is ‘I need a haircut!’ Round them up like dogs. Shear them like sheep. I know Express readers agree with this. In fact, I think you crazy old bastards would press for harsher punishment even than me.

On Boris Johnson

It was a terrible thing that he was stabbed in the back. He was a true champion of Express readers and, if you know what I mean, a true friend to me. One of us. He will be back, of that I have no doubt. There must be some way I – sorry, I mean, you – can help him make Britain great again.

On the EU

I despise it. A threat to our sovereignty. No man can call himself a man if he is ordered about by Belgians, Like you, I did everything I could to help Britain leave it. But unlike you I don’t have to suffer the consequences but instead laugh heartily from Kremlin. Ha.

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