What I imagine North London is like, by a Yorkshireman who has never been

POLITICIANS are forever accusing each other of being from North London, and it seems to be a terrible slur. Here’s how I imagine it based on what they say.

Every resident is part of the metropolitan elite

After watching PMQs for several years, I have learned that anyone who lives north of the Thames is a fancy metropolitan champagne socialist elitist who has no idea about the plight of the working man. There is zero poverty whatsoever, and every family is issued an Aga and a set of Le Creuset pans when they move in.

They still vote for Tony Blair

New Labour killed the Labour Party for ordinary people like me, but Tony Blair is worshipped like a god in North London. Due to the fact that the liberal elite are still secretly running the country, despite 12 years of Tory government, anyone living within a mile of Holloway Road can tick a box for Blair on their ballot paper and he’ll come round and personally cook them a tofu dinner.

Islington is built on top of a metrosexual hellmouth

Boris Johnson often warned of the insidious dangers of Islington, which is built on top of the mouth of hell and populated with men who do girly things like check their reflections in the mirror. Yes, I know Boris had a £3.5m house there himself, but that was purely for research purposes. He’s certainly not a massive hypocrite.

The taxis only go to the BBC

No one in North London owns a car or takes the bus because the only form of transport available is expensive taxis, which they can afford with all their filthy money. However, as Liz Truss pointed out, these taxis only go to the BBC, where the occupants appear on Newsnight trying to force ordinary blokes like me to change sex.

Anyone who doesn’t live there is poor

Anyone who lives anywhere else in the whole country is much less wealthy that the North London elite. Even Rishi Sunak, who lives in a mansion in West London and is a millionaire. Seems a bit odd, but if Tory politicians are saying it, then it must be true.

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Heart-throbs of your youth you'd still do now

SOME celebrities have aged so badly you wonder how they ever ended up on your bedroom wall. But some have earned the accolade of still being totally shaggable by a nobody like you. Such as these.

Leonardo DiCaprio

Those eyes you lost yourself in during your obsessive rewatchings of the Romeo and Juliet fish tank scene are just as alluring now as they were then. Now the only thing standing in your way is the fact you’re over 25. Oh, and not a supermodel. 

Sharon Stone

It’s a long time since the parting-legs shot from Basic Instinct, but Sharon’s still got it, just about. And thanks to DVDs and the internet there’s no need to knacker your VHS recorder to pathetically watch a split second of muff.

Ronan Keating 

Love me for a reason, let the reason be the fact you’re still looking dang fine in your mid-40s, Ronan. Check out a poster of his ‘Twenty Twenty’ tour and you’ll soon be pleasuring yourself to Ronan, although possibly not Boyzone’s stream of insipid granny-pleasing hits. 

Jennifer Anniston 

Yes, her face is mostly made of magic these days but whatever works. If you ever got the chance to prove yourself a more athletic and competent lover than Brad Pitt, you’d be mad to turn that challenge down.

Antonio Banderas 

His smokin’ hot accent remains untouched by 30 years of acting in English. Not that he puts it on a bit. No way. And yes, his face may be looking a little puffy, but it’s nothing that wearing the mask of Zorro in the bedroom won’t fix. 

Sarah Michelle Gellar 

If that swimsuit selfie is anything to go by, Buffy the vampire slayer still very much has what it takes to slay. Sure, she’s been happily married for 20 years but who in their right mind would choose Freddie Prinze Jr over you? You may not be rich and famous, but at least you weren’t in Scooby Doo 2.

Will Smith 

Not only is Will still looking as fresh-faced and cheeky as in his Independence Day heyday, the Oscars show us he’s also exploring a new passionate/violent side. He’s definitely keeping things fresh, like the Prince of Bel-Air, but he probably gets in a huff if you say things like that.

Ewan McGregor 

Almost 20 years on, he’s looking better than he did in his Trainspotting days and you even kind of fancied him then. He’s recently slipped back into his Obi-Wan Kenobi robes and you’d be happy to play with his lightsaber anytime. Meaning his penis. A laser sword that can cut through anything probably needs months of basic safety training alone.

Nicole Kidman

Rock-shaped or pear-shaped, she certainly hasn’t lost her shape… Okay so there’s something a little creepy and waxworky about her face, but it’s nothing you couldn’t overlook. She’s probably got some hilarious post-coital anecdotes about Tom Cruise too, and who could ask for more than that?