AUDIENCE members at a sell‑out Christmas pantomime have confirmed that they only enjoy theatre they know in advance will be shit.
Helen Archer, who is watching Jack and the Beanstalk at Birmingham Hippodrome with her kids, said: “Like all Britons I only come to the theatre once a year, to ensure I avoid seeing anything good.
“Pantomime has the same shit plot every year, the same shit comedy routines, stars slumming it, two blokes dressed as a cow and a dance routine to Barbie Girl. You know what you’re getting. Shit.
“Other times of year they have plays and you might have to pay attention. A lad at work saw Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman performed by a stellar cast at the Young Vic and was moved to tears by the plight of the individual in capitalism’s unfeeling grip. That’s not for me.
“No, give me overacting, throwing sweets, a girl slapping her thighs for the dads and a trained Shakespearean phoning in Twankey for the money every time.”
She then turned back to the stage, completely dead behind the eyes, and yelled to Alison Hammond that the crocodile was behind her.
