Panto-goers confirm they only like theatre when it's shit

AUDIENCE members at a sell‑out Christmas pantomime have confirmed that they only enjoy theatre they know in advance will be shit.

Helen Archer, who is watching Jack and the Beanstalk at Birmingham Hippodrome with her kids, said: “Like all Britons I only come to the theatre once a year, to ensure I avoid seeing anything good.

“Pantomime has the same shit plot every year, the same shit comedy routines, stars slumming it, two blokes dressed as a cow and a dance routine to Barbie Girl. You know what you’re getting. Shit.

“Other times of year they have plays and you might have to pay attention. A lad at work saw Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman performed by a stellar cast at the Young Vic and was moved to tears by the plight of the individual in capitalism’s unfeeling grip. That’s not for me.

“No, give me overacting, throwing sweets, a girl slapping her thighs for the dads and a trained Shakespearean phoning in Twankey for the money every time.”

She then turned back to the stage, completely dead behind the eyes, and yelled to Alison Hammond that the crocodile was behind her.

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Middle-class man caught on horns of binmen tipping dilemma

A MIDDLE class man is torn between feeling he should tip his binmen and not actually wanting to go near them.

Julian Cook of The Hawthorns, Elsfield, would love to give his refuse workers a seasonal gratuity but cannot work out how to do it without coming into close contact with the by definition unclean.

He said: “I strongly believe in helping the less well-off, especially when they know how much artisanal gin we get though.

“But hygiene-wise they’re very much a no-no. If I come down with a bug, it’ll ruin our New Year’s trip the Cairngorms to a place with an Aga and wood-fired hot tub.

“And what if they spoke to me? I don’t follow football. What if their grubby smiles slowly turn to lustful leers at the sight of my generosity, tears leaving streaks down their filthy faces? I couldn’t bear that.

“I’d Sellotape an M&S gift card to the bin with a note thanking them for their sterling efforts throughout 2023, but would they read it? Can they? You know, best not to bother.”

Binman Wayne Hayes said: “Oh, is it a bit awkward thanking us so you prefer to pretend the magical bin fairies take it away?”