Friday, 7th May 2021

Pedantic twat's hobby is hating films everyone loves

A MAN has admitted his main pastime is despising films that are univerally adored. 

Julian Cook, aged 35, spends his private time watching the films sneeringly and his social time slapping people in the face with his heretical views about their favourite movies.

He said: “Whether it’s classics like Citizen Kane or Apocalypse Now, family favourites like ET or Star Wars, or critically-acclaimed hits like Moonlight or There Will Be Blood, I hate them all.

“I began as a child, when my little brother loved Jurassic Park and to annoy him I called it ‘barely-competent hackwork’. He cried for days, even though neither of us knew what it meant.

“It gave me such a buzz. The same buzz I’m chasing today when I tell cineastes that Scorsese’s a limited director of identikit Mafia crap, or when I break the news to sci-fi freaks that Blade Runner’s nothing but a Duran Duran video with a voiceover.

Other classics that Cook has dismissed for sport include Gone With the Wind, ‘dated and racist’, The Lion King, ‘sentimental patriarchal crap’ and Rocky, ’Three Oscars? For losing a fight?’

He added: “I’ve only once considered giving up this hobby that’s brought me such joy, when my Auntie Jean punched me to the ground at Christmas when I said Mamma Mia! ‘lacked all nuance’.

“I wouldn’t have minded, but that was a totally legitimate opinion.”