People who pretended to like Twin Peaks first time around facing very difficult summer

THE return of Twin Peaks means a long, hard summer for those who faked enjoying it first time around.

Director David Lynch has made 18 more episodes of the baffling mystery series, which is like a flu-induced nightmare but longer and with less internal logic.

Fake enthusiast Tom Logan said: “During the first Twin Peaks I was a young, tiresome student, eager to impress fellow knobheads with my enthusiasm for tastefully-lit surreal tripe. I never thought such youthful folly could return to haunt me.

“I’m getting celebratory messages from other pretend fans, who are secretly just as full of dread. I had really hoped parallel dimensions and people with unnecessary eyepatches were no longer part of my life.”

Former pretend Twin Peaks fan Mary Fisher said: “My friends are holding weekly viewing parties with black coffee and cherry pie, both of which I also hate.

“I messaged them to say that I preferred Kyle McLachlan as Trey in Sex and The City, so was going to re-watch that instead.

“I haven’t heard from them since.”

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Who is Morrissey? ask young people

PEOPLE under 25 have demanded to know who this so-called Morrissey is.

Those born since 1992 are confused at the acres of coverage given to the reactionary observations of a middle-aged man with no apparent relevance or Christian name.

Susan Traherne, 24, said, “I asked my dad who this sturdy Elvis lookalike was. He told me was an acclaimed recording artist and I should treat his words with the same awe you would the Romantic poets.

“I then asked him to name any record he’d made in the last 25 years and he couldn’t.”

22-year-old Tom Booker said: “The bloke sounds like one of the more unhinged old geezers who sits right at the back in the Question Time audience.

“Yet every time he expresses a thought everyone freaks out like it’s the latest economic forecast from the Governor of the Bank of England.”

The nation’s grandparents are also baffled about the identity of Morrissey. 78-year-old Norman Steele said: “Isn’t he the zoo bloke off of Animal Magic? Why isn’t he hosing down an elephant?”