Planet Earth II viewers demand legal system for animals

PLANET Earth II viewers have demanded that animals get their own criminal justice system to stop them doing horrible things.

After the wildlife documentary showed snakes trying to kill a baby iguana, many Britons now believe animals need their own laws and a police force.

Administrator Nikki Hollis said: “These snakes are doing the most horrific things without the slightest fear of being arrested and punished.

“Animals need to realise they won’t be safe until they have laws and enforce them. Gorillas could be the police, because they’re massive and won’t put up with any nonsense, and wise animals like owls could be judges.

“Criminal animals will soon get the message once a few are sentenced to life for murder. Obviously animals don’t have prisons yet but I’m sure the monkeys could build cages.”

Graphic designer Tom Logan said: “After seeing the extent of lawlessness in the animal kingdom I think we need to get the human courts involved.

“The conviction rate will be high because most animals make no attempt to hide their crimes, leaving a wealth of DNA and video evidence.

“We also need an emergency rescue service for baby penguins, because that episode of Life in the Freezer made me blub in front of my mates.”

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Working class man not particularly angry

A WORKING class man has confirmed that he is not remotely full of hate.

Despite politicians assuming he is fuelled by rage and probably quite racist, warehouse operative Wayne Hayes explained that he enjoys playing badminton and listening to radio documentaries about the Middle Ages.

Hayes said: “After Trump and Brexit, everyone seems to want to understand me, which is flattering but I’m not sure what to tell them.

“I’ve had four Guardian journalists on the phone already this morning, and explained to them that my life is much the same as theirs if you just swap ‘Waitrose’ for ‘Asda’ and remember that because I don’t live in London I have a larger home.

“They wanted to know if grammar schools were somehow responsible for making me into a disenfranchised political powder keg. At that point I said I needed to get back to work because I have a job where you actually have to do stuff.”

Theresa May plans to visit Hayes’s workplace tomorrow, to personally ask him if there’s anything she can do to stop him being a frothing swamp of hate and resentment.

Hayes added: “I’m fine to talk to her as long as I don’t have to stay late to make up the lost work time. Now that would piss me off.”