'Play Dancing Queen again': five requests DJs f**king love

DJs are so grateful when inexperienced strangers tell them how to do their job. Become their favourite person with these suggestions:

‘Play Dancing Queen again’

There’s a reason why no DJ will play the same song twice in a set – they’re too scared of how great it would be. Everyone loved it when you and your friends screamed ‘this is our song’ and cleared the dance floor to do a half-remembered routine, and the DJ will be ecstatic to watch you have a second crack at that shit.

‘Put on some proper music’

This one is the perfect request for people whose skinny jeans are trying to fight the effects of ageing as desperately as they are. Best given in the form of a half-sung, half-slurred yell from the other side of the room while the DJ is crossfading between obscure tracks. They’ll really appreciate your expert direction.

‘Will you play some of my band’s stuff?’

Classic chart-toppers and party anthems won’t fill the floor like your seven-minute-long acoustic guitar track about your first girlfriend dumping you. It’s not on iTunes or Spotify but whoever’s behind the decks will happily let you connect your phone to their system, or, even better, pause everything to let you perform it drunk and live.

‘Why won’t you play [INSERT DISGRACED MUSICIAN HERE]?’

Wondering why the DJ isn’t playing bangers recorded by a criminally convicted singer at a family occasion? They’ve probably just forgotten how great their tunes are, so give them a polite reminder. Commercial radio stations may have banned this artist’s music from the air, but that doesn’t mean this christening has to.

‘Play Dancing Queen again’

No, not an editorial blunder on our part. The DJ may have told you where and how to go and f**k yourself last time you requested this, but they just didn’t understand. Yell this request into their ear for a second or third time and they’ll happily cue it up.

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Do humans have souls, and other conversations you only have when you're massively stoned

TALKING about the meaning of life? You must be stoned. Here are the other meandering chats you have when you’re high as balls:

Do humans have souls?

You only thought about this because you saw a fly on the windowsill and started wondering if it had a soul, and now you’re looking at your friend wondering what they would look like as a fly. But that’s a weird thing to say, so go for the officially-sanctioned weirdness of major religions.

Is there an afterlife?

Now that you’ve wasted a whole evening staring at the ceiling in your stoner mate’s flat, you’re probably wondering where your existence is heading on a spiritual level. You’ll inevitably try to come up with something profound like ‘the afterlife is the same as it was before life’. What a load of pompous shit.

Which animal could you take in a fight?

Slumped on the sofa with no intention of getting up, you’re pretty sure you could take on anything smaller than a sheep and kill it. Your mate is obsessed with the idea of killing a shark, but only if the shark was on land. Your ensuing argument about sportsmanship will go on for two hours.

Would you steal a loaf of bread to feed your family?

Now you’ve moved on from the heavy topics, and the munchies for a loaf of Hovis you spotted earlier have kicked in, you can wheel out this classic moral dilemma. You both say ‘yeah’ then watch an entire episode of Antiques Roadshow on mute in silence.

Is there any more weed?

You could have sworn that being stoned was more pleasant than this, so maybe you should check by smoking more. Your friend claims there’s no weed left, but you can see some on the windowsill. You leave, initially annoyed, but then feel grateful because you’d forgotten you’re working at the garage in two hours.