'Remember 9/11?' asks friend as if it had slipped your mind

A FRIEND has asked if you have any recollection of the most tragic and monumental event of the 21st century so far.

Youthful acquaintance Joshua Hudson has sincerely asked whether you remember watching the devastating attacks on the Twin Towers, as if that day was not seared into your memory for the rest of your life.

Naive 25-year-old Hudson said: “It was quite a while ago now and loads has happened since, like Brexit and 2 Girls 1 Cup, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve forgotten about it.

“Even I sometimes forget why I’ve walked into a room for a few seconds, and I’m young, so I wouldn’t judge you at all if you were like ‘9/11? Remind me?’ 

“Maybe you were at work or something. But it was the one where Islamic terrorists flew passenger jets into the World Trade Centre which was this really tall pair of towers in New York, and then – I know, like that wasn’t enough – the towers fell down.

“And there was another plane flew into the Pentagon, and I think a fourth plane though don’t hold me to it. And then it shaped popular culture and US foreign policy for the last two decades. No?”

Not picking up on your respectful silence, Hudson added: “I was only four so I don’t remember it directly. But now I’m old enough to vote and drive a car. Crazy, huh?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to get 100 per cent in Tinder: tips and tricks from an expert

TINDER, a romance simulator for adults, is the most popular mobile game of the 21st century. But how do you get to that elusive 100 per cent? Top player Ryan Whittaker explains:

Master your moves

You can beat most of the opponents in Tinder with these simple moves once you’ve mastered them; a guileless opening, a faux-casual photo of you petting a dog, and a jokey reference to your six-figure income. Don’t bother being imaginative. Just spam those.

Be patient

Learn the patterns and swot up on the dodges before you go charging in. It’s not about getting behind their defences straight away, it’s about steadily wearing down their resistance until they leave themselves open. I can’t tell you how many women have dated me because ‘still being there’ after 18 months ‘proves I care’.

Don’t ignore the side quests

An accidental swipe right might seem like another tedious mission where you gather flowers, go out for dinner, and receive your reward in the bedroom level, but doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing. You’ll pick up valuable experience, and often it’s in the same location you’re already visiting for the main story shag.

Play to your strengths

Develop a playstyle that works to your natural advantages. For example, don’t max out your fashion meter with style points if you’re bald. Or, if you’re naturally funny, put off that first date until they’re so into you that it reflects badly on them when you’re repulsive. Don’t bother getting good at sex, you’ve already won by then.

Enjoy yourself

Remember, it’s not about leaving Tinder with a functioning relationship. Only noobs believe that. It’s about keeping as many women going as possible, receiving photos, going on dates and ultimately boosting your ego with romantic attention while never actually committing. If they don’t realise that it’s not your problem.