Podcast evangelists worse than Christians

PODCAST listeners are unable to perform basic interactions without recommending podcasts, researchers have found.

Has all his friends right there on his iPod

Listeners to podcasts, which are like 1940s radio shows, fervently believe everyone should share their obsession and will promote it by any means including violence.

Carolyn Ryan of Croydon said: “I avoid the eye of anyone wearing earphones in case they ask me if I’ve let Serial into my heart.

“You can’t just say you’re not interested. They’ll tell you about the fashion podcasts, TV podcasts, and podcasts for podcast enthusiasts without mentioning they’re all just people talking about things while breathing too close to a microphone.

“Apparently they’re great for listening to on the train. But isn’t the train already full of people I don’t know talking to each other about shit I’m not interested in?”

Podcast fan Tom Logan said: “I pity anyone deprived of the rich and varied world of podcasts.

“It’s like having friends inside your head comfortably chuckling away with each other as you avoid eye contact with anyone real.

“I suppose it is a little bit like having a personal relationship with our risen Lord Jesus, yes. Does he do a podcast?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Extreme weather not going to stop Britons having a fag

BRITAIN’S cigarette addicts have confirmed that no amount of bad weather will stop them inhaling carcinogens.

Come rain or shine

With snow and sub-zero winds predicted, smokers said they would be having their fag break even if there is a cyclone with cows and buildings swirling around in it.

Sales co-ordinator Stephen Malley said: “I’m in that office for hours at a time, staring at a computer screen, hating everything about the day.

“So if you think a bit of rain, thunder or a mild blizzard will stop me going outside for a smoke, you are very much mistaken.

“And if you think I should maybe try an electronic cigarette instead, I would suggest you maybe switch to decaffeinated coffee. Yeah.”

Hospital patient Nikki Hollis agreed: “Major surgery hasn’t stopped me from enjoying hourly gaspers in the bus shelter, so I’m damned if something as paltry as 16 feet of snow is getting in my way. I am literally burning my way through all obstacles.”

Non-smoker Roy Hobbs said: “I might be likely to live a lot longer than them, but I wish I had something in my life I was that passionate about.

“They are, in their modest way, heroes.”