Lib Dems cut off after single syllable

ATTEMPTS by the Liberal Democrats to outline their agenda have been aggressively shushed as soon as they began.


Treasury secretary Danny Alexander, speaking on Radio 4’s Today, said “Rai-“ before interviewer John Humphrys interrupted to introduce an item about falling heron numbers.

A BBC spokesman said: “In the next six months the Liberal Democrats will present themselves as a viable party of government which, for so many reasons, is untrue.

“Legally we’re on sticky ground if we actually ban them, so they’re allowed on but not allowed to say whole words. Apart from ‘if’, ‘and’ or ‘but’, and to be honest we’re unhappy about that loophole.”

The policy, which has been adopted by all media outlets, is considered to be pre-approved by the public who have been using it on doorsteps and while watching TV since 2012.

Wayne Hayes of Warrington said: “The Lib Dems had one idea, we had a referendum on it, they lost.

“Listening to them further would be like investigating the back catalogue of Joe Dolce; a waste of everybody’s time, not least theirs.”

Leading Liberal Democrats, asked for comment on the policy, variously said “Wha-“, “I”, “We-“, and “Boll-“.

Those constituencies that return Lib Dem MPs anyway, like Brecon and Radnorshire, are expected to continue to do so without anyone ever understanding why.

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Disney buys royal family

THE royal family is now the intellectual property of the Walt Disney Company, it has emerged.

The dog and the baby have an adventure

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s popularity in the US has prompted Disney to add the Windsors to its list of royal characters that includes Princess Elsa, Pocahontas and Simba the lion.

Disney CEO Tom Logan said: “After our 100 per cent buy-out, the royal family will be turned into cartoon characters for use in films, lunch boxes and marketing tie-ins with burger chains.

“Our first project is an animated feature set in the quaint kingdom of Englandia, where feisty Princess Kate has to rescue Prince Wills from a dragon, which is the sort of mildly feminist thing mums like.

“Our animators are redesigning William to make him into a handsome prince in the classic Disney style. This will then be replicated by plastic surgeons to prevent children becoming distraught during his public appearances.

“We also have a delightful coming-of-age story involving Prince Harry about a drunken, happy-go-lucky goblin who discovers he is actually an heir to the throne.”

Disney is also planning to revamp royal assets such as Buckingham Palace, which will be renamed Magical Windsor World and feature parades of dancing guardsmen led by the Queen in a cartoonised costume of herself.

Logan added: “Some royals, such as Princess Eugenie and the Duke of Edinburgh, are proving harder to find a use for, so they are being popped into cryogenic storage with Walt.”