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Podcast swiftly gets down to business 17 minutes in

A PODCAST has quickly got down to the subject it is ostensibly about a mere 17 minutes into its runtime.

Treating the precious lives of its audience with the respect they deserve, the podcast whipped through its introductions and sponsorship adverts to get to its derivative contents in less time than it takes to listen to half of Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours.

Listener Martin Bishop said: “I love this podcast, and I especially love getting through a good chunk of my workout listening to three people unenthusiastically droning on about NordVPN and plugging their upcoming Edinburgh shows.

“Even the staged chatter about what they’d been up to that week was mercifully brief, clocking in at a tight five minutes. They could have stretched it out, as they’d done nothing of interest, but best to leave the audience wanting more.

“Then it was simply a case of sitting through some terrible jingles, a needless recap of the format, and a couple more intrusive Spotify ads at deafening volume before getting right to it.

“Well worth it to hear up to 12 minutes of quizzing a celebrity guest previously unknown to me laughingly detailing their whole Greggs order. I would happily have spent twice the time building up to that hilarity thrillride.”

He added: “I’m thinking of signing up to their Patreon. Apparently you get uncut behind-the-scenes moments delivered direct to your inbox.”

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Older co-workers making baffling references to Um Bongo

COLLEAGUES in their 50s are making unexplained references to something called Um Bongo triggered by tonight’s England game against DR Congo. 

Across the country, workers with greying hair are saying ‘It was the rhino who named it,’ and ’There’s no way we’ll win if they’re fuelled by that tropical nectar,’ to the incomprehension of the young.

Procurement officer Grace Wood-Morris said: “I only asked Dave if he thought we’d win tonight. He began singing a strange song in a deep voice then laughing uncontrollably.

“I thought it was just him, but it’s all of them. They’re listing exotic animals and listing fruits and trying to pair them together? Is this, like, a card game? Can we make them stop?”

Similarly bemused marketing executive Jordan Gardner said: “I asked my boss Darren if Wissa would exploit our weakness at right-back and he grunted. But when Lee in regional sales shouted ‘You can still get it online!’ he ran right over to his PC.

“Eventually they got Justin, who ‘knows the whole thing, it’s his party trick’, to perform a rap which began ‘way down deep in the middle of the Congo’ and got worse from there.

“I judged it to be racist in the extreme, got straight on to HR and he’s been suspended pending an investigation and mandatory sensitivity training.”

Wood-Morris said: “Ah. So we can make them stop.”

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