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250 years of American independence: Was it worth it?

DESPITE Trump happening twice, America is celebrating 250 years of independence from Britain. But was it a terrible, regrettable mistake all along? Let’s weigh the evidence.

Mickey Mouse

With his cheerful wave and oversized shorts, it’s hard not to love Mickey. However, he can’t really compare to Britons such as Shakespeare, Churchill and Newton. Is there a cartoon titled Mickey Becomes the Father of Modern Physics? No, there is not.

No Kate

Catherine, Princess of Wales, is a universally loved demi-goddess radiating infinite beauty and kindness. Without a royal family, Americans have no such national treasure. Their nearest equivalent? Roseanne Barr.

Color vs colour

American misspellings, and their domination of the word processing industry after the BBC Micro failed to succeed globally, have caused untold red underlinings. If America had just accepted taxation without representation it could have been avoided.

Trump

There are few people as dreadful as Trump, but Americans elected him on two occasions proving they should never have been allowed their own government. In a different timeline America could be governed by Keir Starmer. Not great, but better.

Vietnam films

America has gifted the world many superb ‘Nam films, from the action romp of Platoon to classics like Apocalypse Now, all replete with incredible cinematography and memorable lines. A definite win for America. The actual war was less successful, but we’ll politely not mention that.

Light bulbs 

For all its failings, America did invent the light bulb, so credit where credit’s due. Having said that, Britain could have managed with flaming torches until Japan invented the LED.

Inferior football

America could have had our excellent version of football, as showcased by England vs Ghana. Instead they threw perfectly good tea into Boston harbour and now have a horribly complicated version of rugby that stops every few seconds. Poor fools.

Guns

The insane number of guns in America are due to the Second Amendment. If they hadn’t raised militias in 1775 they wouldn’t have to worry about getting shot in geography lessons now.

Star Wars

Star Wars was a global cultural phenomenon to be proud of, but now the original films have been ruined by a Boba Fett cash-in doing stuff with a cuddly toy. With hindsight it wasn’t worth George Washington crossing the Delaware for.

In conclusion

From this comprehensive list of American achievements and failures, it is clear that independence was a pointless waste of time. Luckily we are a forgiving nation, and America is welcome to rejoin the UK again with the same legal status as the Isle of Man.

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Vince, Trevor and other names not making a comeback

WHILE once-unpopular names like Alfie and Ivy have enjoyed spectacular revivals, others have not. Britain has quietly agreed that no child should have to answer to these:

Barry

No parent since 1968 has looked into the eyes of a newborn and thought ‘yep, that’s a Barry’. It’s a name that arrives preloaded with a regular spot in the pub and opinions on ULEZ.

Susan

Unlike Ruby and Violet, Susan skipped the ‘charmingly vintage’ phase and went straight to ‘woman in your office with legacy contract who prints every email’. Yes, she has flexitime. No, you cannot.

Trevor

A name so resolutely middle-aged it somehow bypasses childhood altogether. They’re all born aged 60 and writing to the parish council. Besides, the poor fella would never lose his virginity with that name so your line would end with him.

Phyllis

Not every parent is unrealistically aspirational for their child, but every parent dreams of more than a woman in rollers gossiping over the fence about him at number 24 who’s full of himself.

Gary

The least likely name to appear on a trendy birth announcement written in minimalist font. Gary sounds less like your progeny and more like the bloke fitting your laminate flooring next Tuesday.

Maureen

A cosy name. Comforting. The obese assistant in year one at primary school available to give upset kids cuddles and a sweet as long as she’s not required to move.

Vincent

Parents increasingly want names with history. Unfortunately, being named Vincent conjures a history of convictions for wounding with intent, perjury, armed robbery and possession with intent to supply.

Doris

Unless your daughter is born in full make-up, hoop earrings, smoking and believing they ‘shouldn’t show women’s athletics, it incites men’ Doris is not the name for her.

Terry

Massive post-war, like the NHS and unions, but nosedived since. Even as a baby, you’d struggle to think of him anywhere but behind the wheel of a bus.

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