Poldark to gain weight and realise he is gay

THE BBC drama Poldark is to become even more gripping as the main character gains four stone and struggles with his sexuality.

Brooding hero Ross Poldark will become morbidly obese and start exploring the 18th century Cornish gay scene.

Head writer Tom Logan said: “Poldark starts comfort eating because of the stress of being charged with murder, and soon he’s too fat to get on his horse.

“He tries to work it off in the copper mine but gives up because he’s eating far too many pasties. Meanwhile his wife Demelza has started sleeping in a separate bed so there are no more sex scenes either.

“While he struggles to control his calorie intake, Ross starts to experience long-repressed feelings of being attracted to men and starts visiting the local docks for furtive encounters with burly sailors.

“It’s a change in direction but we’re sure Poldark viewers would prefer to be challenged than just watch a hot guy defying authority and taking his shirt off.”

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Clegg book stuns with revelation that Gove and Osborne are twats

NICK Clegg’s memoir has left the nation reeling with the revelation that Gove and Osborne are a pair of twats.

Britons fear their minds may explode while reading Clegg’s book Politics: Between The Extremes because of its shocking claims about their most beloved political heroes.

After reading an excerpt in the Guardian, teacher Mary Fisher said: “Michael Gove has always been a hero of mine, as well as representing the ultimate sexual prize. However Clegg’s book portrays him as a duplicitous little arse.

“Apparently Osborne and Cameron were twats too. That’s more mental than all the Matrix films combined.

“This literary dynamite should have a sticker on it saying ‘Warning: Contains truth bombs’.”

She added: “Nick Clegg really is the foremost political insider of our times, even if nobody ever invited him to meetings or even included him in the Costa run.”

Meanwhile charity shops have already warned that they cannot accept copies of the book, which has yet to be published.

An Oxfam spokesman said: “I predict a few hundred of these might turn up on a lorry. The answer is no.”