Posh's Breasts Join Church Of Scientology

VICTORIA Beckham's breasts have become Scientologists as part of a daring strategy to carve out an independent life for themselves in Los Angeles. 


The chests were signed up to the cult religion by celebrity friends Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes who told them it would give their career the lift needed to make it in LA.

The breasts have also appointed an agent after accusing Victoria's press aide of getting them "too much coverage, and not enough showage."

Biz Binkel, a celebrity gossip monger, 68, said the breasts had hit the ground running since arriving in LA, and were already far more famous than Victoria or her soccer star husband David.

He said: "There is a feeling out here that the breasts have outgrown Victoria and that she is just holding them back.

"They are big now, but with a little help from the right people they could be massive.

"They walk into a room and everyone stops and stares. No one even notices Posh. The boobs are way ahead of her now."

Despite their hard appearance and rampant ambition, or perhaps because of it, the breasts have also sought to show the softer side to their character by setting up a support group to help other celebrity chests.

The left breast said: "We wanted to give some support to other celebrity boobs, especially those less fortunate than us whose careers have started to sag."

Meanwhile the right breast has immersed itself in the teaching of L. Ron Hubbard and has already achieved the 'rank' of  'Operating Branflake' within the church.

But despite joining the Scientologists both breasts admit that John Travolta is now an 'embarrassing mess'.

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Queen 'Did Not Drug A Horse', Admits BBC

The BBC has apologised to the Queen for wrongly implying she drugged a horse during Royal Ascot.

The trailer for a new documentary showed the Queen standing next to a horse while holding a large syringe, followed by a clip of her walking away saying, "that should do the business".

A BBC spokesman said: "Her Majesty did not drug a horse. The actual sequence of events was misrepresented."

The documentary, Compared To Her We're All Scum, is the centre-piece of the BBC's autumn line-up.

The Queen and her daughter, the Princess Royal, were filmed touring the stables at Ascot, during which she was shown a typical horse-drugging syringe.

The Queen inspected the piece of equipment, but then handed it back and continued her tour without trying to drug a horse.

As she left the stables the Princess Royal turned to the Queen and said that she was using E45 cream to treat a stubborn rash.

It was then that the Queen replied, "that should do the business".

It is the latest in a series of controversies to hit the Royal Family and comes just eight weeks after Prince Philip was fitted with a new set of balls.