Raising the ghost of Oswald Mosley: how to save GB News

GB NEWS has lost leading man Andrew Neil and is haemorrhaging viewers as even Farage is tired old repeats. Can anything save it? 

Contact the ghost of Oswald Mosley

There are only so many right-wing big guns in British politics, and Tories have clearly been warned to stay the f**k away, so it’s time to cross lines and get some proper fascist heroes on even if they’re dead ones. A medium raising Mosley from the grave for a 11pm nightly run through the day’s news would be a huge hit with flag-bothering racists.

Get some work experience kids in

It’s not just in front of the cameras that GB News is suffering. Interns won’t touch it, but getting some GCSE students who’ve filmed a news show about their class in to operate the camera and spell the titles properly will really boost quality. And if they’re not available, convicts.

Turn a f**king light on

It might seem basic, but more people might watch GB news if they could see it. If everyone involved brought just one lamp from home, you might be able to see Simon McCoy to speculate on his upcoming marriage to Fallon from The Colbys.

Broadcast entirely in Welsh

If Welsh-language version Paw Patrol can trounce GB News in the ratings, go with what works. Reducing the number of people who can understand what’s being said could improve things, as anyone who has sat through one of Dan Wootton’s unhinged rants will know.

Add music

News is boring, especially when you’ve dispensed with journalists entirely. But with anti-woke crusaders coming out of the woodwork a regular slot for Right Said Fred, Laurence Fox or Van Morrison would break it up with shit polemic songs really letting the establishment have it. Take that, Kaiser Chiefs.

Replace it with the test card

GB News appeals to people who love harking back to simpler times when a mad clown playing an innocent game of noughts and crosses with a little girl wasn’t immediately called a paedo. More informative and less ridiculous than GB News, it’s a quick-fix ratings win.

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Fresher confident long-distance relationship with school girlfriend will last

A FRESHER at the University of Sussex whose high-school girlfriend has just started at Newcastle University is certain they will stay together.

18-year-old Joseph Turner said he is unperturbed by the 350 miles between them and has faith their relationship of four months will be stronger than ever.

He said: “We’ve been inseparable ever since our A-level revision dates. We’re soulmates and neither of us can imagine a scenario where what we want changes. I mean, how different can university be to school?

“I’m confident that I won’t have much on for the next three years and neither will she. It’s not like we’ll be meeting loads of new, attractive people and going out getting wrecked with them where anything could happen.

“After all, it’s not like we settled, just because we’re from the same small town in Warwickshire and everyone else in our year had already coupled up. It’s true love.

“I can’t wait for the Zoom call with her tomorrow night. She’s cancelled tonight’s already. Which is actually quite convenient because there’s a massive party this blazing hot girl from the next building invited me to.”

Girlfriend Sophie Rodriguez said: “I’ve been here three nights and got off with a different lad every night. I think we talked about having an open thing?”