PUTIN’S advisers have informed him that Russia swept to victory at last night’s Eurovision Song Contest despite being excluded from the competition.
The Russian president is said to be delighted that the Motherland was awarded douze points by every country and blew away the panel of jurors with its winning entry ‘Well-Hung Leader (Death To The West)’.
A Kremlin spokesperson said: “People who give Putin bad news tend to fall out of hospital windows or hang themselves, so his inner circle thought it wise to bend the truth a little.
“As far as he’s concerned, Russia easily crushed the combined efforts of the continent on the battlefield of Eurovision. Even Ukraine was no match for our barrage of funky beats and legion of conscripted, not-camp-in-the-slightest backing dancers.
“Plans are already being made to host next year’s competition in Saint Basil’s Cathedral, and Putin wants to invite China and North Korea to take part. He says, ‘If Australia is allowed, why not them?’ Which is a fair point, actually.
“As for the voting, people will only be able to award points to Russia, which will happen in special booths manned by armed guards. It’s not ideal, but it’s slightly less corrupt than the current system of neighbouring countries patting each other on the back.”