Russia won Eurovision, Putin told

PUTIN’S advisers have informed him that Russia swept to victory at last night’s Eurovision Song Contest despite being excluded from the competition.

The Russian president is said to be delighted that the Motherland was awarded douze points by every country and blew away the panel of jurors with its winning entry ‘Well-Hung Leader (Death To The West)’.

A Kremlin spokesperson said: “People who give Putin bad news tend to fall out of hospital windows or hang themselves, so his inner circle thought it wise to bend the truth a little.

“As far as he’s concerned, Russia easily crushed the combined efforts of the continent on the battlefield of Eurovision. Even Ukraine was no match for our barrage of funky beats and legion of conscripted, not-camp-in-the-slightest backing dancers.

“Plans are already being made to host next year’s competition in Saint Basil’s Cathedral, and Putin wants to invite China and North Korea to take part. He says, ‘If Australia is allowed, why not them?’ Which is a fair point, actually.

“As for the voting, people will only be able to award points to Russia, which will happen in special booths manned by armed guards. It’s not ideal, but it’s slightly less corrupt than the current system of neighbouring countries patting each other on the back.”

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Always one dickhead at fancy-dress party not in fancy dress

THERE is always one miserable bastard at every fancy-dress party who has not bothered to make an effort, it has been confirmed.

Laziness and cowardice have been cited as the most likely reasons, although not wanting to spend £50 on some shit you throw away the moment you get home is also a factor.

Normal clothes-wearer Tom Booker said: “I think fancy dress is for dickheads. But, by being the only person here not dressed up, I realise that I am actually the dickhead.

“However, I’d rather feel like a bit of a grumpy git at a party than an almighty bellend walking down the street and getting on the bus wearing a Captain Jack Sparrow tricorn hat and fake dreadlocks.

“And costumes either cost a fortune and are the tackiest shite you ever saw, or you have to waste a whole week beforehand making something which is so rubbish nobody knows what you’re meant to be anyway.

“I’d rather wear jeans and a shirt, absorb the bitchy comments and not worry about having to walk home in the morning dressed as Myra Hindley if I happen to pull at an ironically bad taste serial killer-themed party.”