Seven classic movie lines f**ked up by coronavirus

THESE movie quotes used to be perfect in any situation. Now they’ve been so royally f**ked by coronavirus that they can never be used again: 

We’ll always have Paris

Now amended to ‘We’ll never be able to go to Paris and nor would we want to because everyone’s wearing masks, the restaurants are hives of Covid and we’ll have to quarantine for a fortnight when we get back.’

I’ll be back

Arnie’s famous line from The Terminator no longer works for your boss, your colleagues or the owners of the sandwich bar next to your office. Or, shortly, your job.

They’ll never take our freedom!

Mel Gibson’s rousing line from Braveheart now feels a tad hollow after a year of willingly handing over every freedom available so as not to die, unless the blue-painted Scot was fighting for the right to get eyelash extensions from a woman wearing a plastic visor.

No-one puts Baby in a corner

OK, but your baby has been in a playpen in the corner since April, because it’s the furthest spot from your ‘home office’, by which you mean the laptop on the bed.

Keep your friends close but your enemies closer

This advice from The Godfather Part Two is contrary to all social distancing. What if your enemies sneeze on you?

You talking to me?

Robert DeNiro’s line from Taxi Driver is now said unironically 5,000 times a day by people holding conversations with other people wearing cheap blue face masks.

There’s no place like home!

If you’ve spent most of 2020 staring at the same four walls you’d advise Dorothy that Oz ain’t that bad. Sure, it’s run by a crazed dictator and thinly-veiled fraud, but where isn’t?

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Gap year wanker embarks on journey of self-discovery to Plymouth

A GAP-YEAR twat has set out on a year-long journey of self-discovery all the way from Plymouth to Bournemouth, he has confirmed. 

Due to restrictions on foreign travel, sixth-form graduate Jack Browne of Swindon has cancelled his trip to Thailand and looked closer to home for a transformative trip through tourist areas that he can drone on about at length to anyone who will listen.

He said: “Yeah, I’m going to be backpacking across the south coast, hoping to really share the lives of the indigenous peoples and learn about their rich, ancient culture.

“It was a tearful moment when I waved goodbye to my parents and boarded the standard class train carriage. Slumming it are what these epic travels are all about.

“It’s really about rejecting materialism for a deeper spiritualism and finding the self I am beneath these cultural trappings as I push a shopping trolley round the aisles of Endsleigh Garden Centre.

“As I wander from Saltash to Newton Abbot to Wimborne, I hope to find answers to the real questions of life. And even if I only do boring stuff, I’ll exaggerate it in a desperate attempt to appear worldly-wise and get laid.”

Browne is expected to get off with a girl from Reading halfway through his trip and end up marrying her, just as would have happened if they had met in Goa as scheduled.