How to make your quarantine just as good as your holiday

IF you’ve been on a break outside the UK, you may now have to take a second, enforced holiday inside your own house. Here’s how to make sure it’s just as good as two weeks in Benidorm.

Keep up with your Spanish siestas 

If you got into the habit of sleeping for two hours after lunch like the Spanish do, why stop now? Aside from the fact that it will be a lovely reminder of your holiday, you’ve got f**k all else to do for a fortnight and this will kill some time.

Cook some authentic Portuguese food

Why not rustle up some of the meals you enjoyed whilst you were away? You’ll probably soon find out that those traditional bifanas taste way better when made by a Portuguese person in Lisbon, but you can throw together a ham sandwich and pretend it’s the real thing.

Practise your French

If you felt your French conversation was improving, why not use two weeks of quarantine to keep practising? Give up on holiday-related phrases like ‘Ou est la plage?’ though, and find out what the French is for ‘Where is the nearest coronavirus testing centre?’.

Sip some Belgian beers

If you enjoyed some fabulous Belgian beers whilst you were in Brussels, it would be foolish to stop your holiday drinking now that you’ve got two weeks with bugger all else to do. Don’t worry if you forgot to bring some home: Tesco home delivery will have you covered.

Flush all your money down the toilet 

If you went on holiday to Monaco, you’re either very rich or very stupid. Either way, mimic being in the priciest destination in Europe by throwing wads of cash out of the window whilst smoking a huge cigar.



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We cannot return to Ed Sheeran post-coronavirus, warn experts

THERE can be no going back to the complacent pre-Covid culture that produced Ed Sheeran, experts have confirmed.

The public is being urged to remain on the alert at all times for another uncontrollable outbreak of mass tastelessness that was responsible for Galway Girl reaching number one.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Although lockdown has been difficult, it has given us a real chance to wipe out dangerously contagious music like Ed Sheeran’s forever.

“By making everyone, including Ed Sheeran, stay at home, we have reduced the likelihood of exposure. If we keep it up, we may be able to eradicate this pandemic of generic blandness altogether.

“Anyone accidentally exposed to an Ed Sheeran track in a pub, restaurant, gym or taxi cab should immediately apply ear sanitiser.

“Furthermore, if you know anyone who has had prolonged exposure to the music of Ed Sheeran, the entirety of Divide for example, they must self-isolate.

“Whilst these sacrifices are hard, it will  be worth it to never have to hear Shape of You ever again.”