Sunday, 27th September 2020

How to make your quarantine just as good as your holiday

IF you’ve been on a break outside the UK, you may now have to take a second, enforced holiday inside your own house. Here’s how to make sure it’s just as good as two weeks in Benidorm.

Keep up with your Spanish siestas 

If you got into the habit of sleeping for two hours after lunch like the Spanish do, why stop now? Aside from the fact that it will be a lovely reminder of your holiday, you’ve got f**k all else to do for a fortnight and this will kill some time.

Cook some authentic Portuguese food

Why not rustle up some of the meals you enjoyed whilst you were away? You’ll probably soon find out that those traditional bifanas taste way better when made by a Portuguese person in Lisbon, but you can throw together a ham sandwich and pretend it’s the real thing.

Practise your French

If you felt your French conversation was improving, why not use two weeks of quarantine to keep practising? Give up on holiday-related phrases like ‘Ou est la plage?’ though, and find out what the French is for ‘Where is the nearest coronavirus testing centre?’.

Sip some Belgian beers

If you enjoyed some fabulous Belgian beers whilst you were in Brussels, it would be foolish to stop your holiday drinking now that you’ve got two weeks with bugger all else to do. Don’t worry if you forgot to bring some home: Tesco home delivery will have you covered.

Flush all your money down the toilet 

If you went on holiday to Monaco, you’re either very rich or very stupid. Either way, mimic being in the priciest destination in Europe by throwing wads of cash out of the window whilst smoking a huge cigar.