THE heroes of films and TV invariably have a love interest to shag at the end. Not so their trusty sidekicks. Here are some doomed to involuntary celibacy by the script.
Not once did Chewie get a shag. To make matters worse, he was probably smitten with Leia because everyone was, but she was banging Han in the cabin next door. Later on all his friends die and all he’s got is a medal for a space battle 45 years ago. God, the Star Wars universe was rough on Chewie.
JJ Abrams mangled the character, but prior to this Spock is sexless while Kirk shags half the universe. He’s briefly lined up for an arranged marriage, but that requires a fight to the death with Kirk, in a psychologically weird episode. Finally smokin’ hot Vulcan Saavik shows up in The Wrath of Khan, but there’s a big age difference. The duvet in Spock’s quarters must have been rock hard.
Snow White gets her handsome prince, the dwarfs get… back to sleeping in a fart-filled room with other men. It’s possible that a brothel has sprung up nearby, as often happens with mining operations, but seeing the dwarfs have drunken fights and contract VD would have made Walt Disney’s cartoon somewhat less magical.
The modern Ben Whishaw version gets a sex life, but Desmond Llewelyn’s Q spent 36 years in a laboratory while James Bond bedded beautiful women. Would it have killed Bond to introduce Q to a few single ladies? It’s a bit demeaning but would have worked occasionally, like being a professional footballer’s talentless mate from school.
Admittedly the Lone Ranger isn’t a big shagger but he does get a love interest in the film. Not so Tonto, who’s just there for Lone to talk to. He truly has suffered at the hands of the white man.
In The Professionals Bodie and Doyle are shag monsters, to the point where the sexism starts to grind the viewer down. No such luck for George Cowley, who probably went home alone for a grim 1970s meal of Findus chicken curry crispy pancakes and Smash, washed down with a bottle of Scotch.
He’s good-looking, he’s high up in the Jedi Order and he’s got his own spaceship. It’s no wonder Obi-Wan is the most conspicuously single film character ever. He really should have tried it on with Padme. He deserved some happiness for putting up with Anakin’s whiny crap. Audiences would have been on their feet applauding.
(If you’re furiously thinking ‘But what about Satine Kryze?’ you are way too into the Star Wars Extended Universe and probably also single.)