Seven Nation Army, and other songs ruined by being sung at football matches

EVER loved a song until you heard it being murdered by 10,000 pissed-up football fans? They’ve probably ruined these others for you too:

Seven Nation Army – The White Stripes

The distinctive riff of The White Stripes’ Seven Nation Army is very simple, which makes it easy for legions of lager-fuelled football fans to bellow out. It’s popular throughout the world, with many different clubs and countries singing it, meaning you can hear your once-favourite indie hit being ripped to shreds at pretty much any match that happens to be on telly.

Sunshine on Leith – The Proclaimers

This song is a horrible dirge when performed by professional musicians, so by the time it’s been mangled by thousands of maudlin Hibs fans in an echoey stadium it sounds absolutely dreadful. It’s sung whether they win or lose, so it can’t be avoided by supporters of the opposing team whatever the result. The poor bastards. They’d probably rather have flares fired at them.

Go West – Pet Shop Boys

Given the problem football has with homophobia it seems unlikely that a song performed by two of the gayest bands the world has ever seen – the Village People and the Pet Shop Boys – has become such a famous chant. Yes, the fans changed the words to ‘One nil to the Arsenal’, but you’d think the average terrace lurker would be too worried about being called a ‘poof’ to dare to sing along.

Simply The Best – Tina Turner

Simply The Best is possibly the most mindlessly obvious song choice for your team, but football fans weren’t exactly going to sift through Everything but the Girl’s back catalogue for inspiration. Yelling one of Tina Turner’s worst songs at every match because the BBC once used it in a highlights package is about as imaginative and thoughtful as Glasgow Rangers fans get.

Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond

Sweet F**king Caroline, as it should be retitled, is now sung at every England game, and even the women’s team are unable to escape it. It has no connection to football, and the first time it was played at a sporting event was during a Boston Red Sox baseball game, but it’s now ubiquitous at matches and we will all be miserably hearing it for the rest of our lives. Neil Diamond is probably sick of it too, but at least he gets royalties from the increased airplay.

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Our children proved naturally academic once again, say parents of private school kids

PARENTS of children sent to private school are again interpreting today’s GCSE results as a sign they are naturally more intelligent.

Parents believe costly tuition, extra support and smaller class sizes are just a distraction from how inherently superior privately educated children’s brains are, although they pay through the nose for them anyway.

Mum Francesca Johnson said: “It’s all due to genetics and nothing else. Knowing Pythagoras’ theorem and the main themes of The Merchant of Venice are definitely inherited traits.

“I expect the brains of state school children look like shrivelled up prunes in comparison, their synapses withered and stunted due to a lack of Latin lessons. It’s kinder to them if they leave formal education now and begin lives of mindless toil. 

“My daughter Lucinda definitely owes her exam success to DNA, evolution or simply fate, and not the private tutor we got because left to her own devices the daft cow would be texting about boys 24/7.”

Dad Denys Finch Hatton said: “The numbers don’t lie. Once again private school students have achieved the best results, and all because gifted children happened to be born to affluent parents. It’s a statistical miracle.

“Imagine the injustice if an intelligent child wasn’t able to prove themselves due to financial circumstances. Luckily that has never happened and the poor ones are all thick as pigshit.”