Boyfriend introduced to concept of toilet brush

A MAN’S world has been turned upside down after being told what the brush situated next to the toilet is for.

Jack Browne, who recently moved in with girlfriend Lauren Hewitt, was unaware it was desirable to remove stinking skid marks and other faecal remnants, and would never have guessed there was a special tool for doing so.

Browne said: “It all started when I used the loo like I did every morning at my old flat, leaving a long brown streak of my handiwork down the bowl as nature intended.

“Within seconds I heard Lauren screaming her head off. Not in fear or pain, more that ‘angry’ scream that’s usually something to do with me. 

“It turns out you actually use a brush to wipe away shit, which is pretty horrible in itself, but it’s a special brush that doesn’t get big lumps of poo stuck to it. That makes girlfriends happy, apparently. Women are strange.

“Obviously I’d seen the brush next to our toilet before, but I never made the connection. I assumed it was something women used on their periods.”

Hewitt said: “I’ve decided to start an online awareness campaign designed to educate men about the basics of toilet brush use. I’m calling it Get Your Shit Together, pun intended.

“Actually I hope the idiots don’t think that means ‘keep it in a box’ or something. It’s possible.”

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Who could possibly have killed Yevgeny Prigozhin?

THE leader of the Wagner mercenary group has been killed in a plane crash, but could this be more than a mere accident? Could it be… murder?

At first glance, it seems like nothing more than one of the frequent mishaps that so often befall wealthy Russians with ties to the Kremlin, likely caused by overindulgence in vodka.

But there are already dark mutterings that this sudden, unexpected crash was no ordinary drop from 28,000ft to ground in 30 seconds. That the plane may have been brought down by foul means. That the seemingly innocent death of Yevgeny Prigozhin could be murder.

It seems preposterous. Who would have the motive to kill this popular military commander, long a hero in his home of Russia and in the many African countries his mercenary army rules with an iron fist?

More than that, who would have the means? Who could have known the flightpath of Prigozhin’s private jet and the hardware to bring it down with a surface-to-air missile? Or the connections to sneak a bomb disguised as vintage wine on board?

Prigozhin was not a man without powerful friends. And perhaps one of them, such as Russia’s president Vladimir Putin who despite recent reports of a rift between the two is no doubt horrified, will investigate.

Perhaps he will discover there were dark forces at play. A grudge settled. A slight avenged. Or perhaps he will find this was simple mechanical failure and nothing untoward happened at all.

Until then, the death of Prigozhin will remain no more or less than a total mystery.