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Seven questions you really want to ask the man watching porn on the bus

IT’S weird to glance at someone’s phone and realise they’re watching hardcore porn on the number 16 to Leek. Here are the burning questions you will not ask: 

Is this not the wrong environment? 

Porn is meant to be arousing. You’re surrounded by filthy seats, twats hammering the stop button ten times and schoolkids talking shit. Surely the pensioner sitting right in front of you snorting snot into a hankie spoils the mood a bit? No?

What are you getting out of this if you’re not masturbating?

Porn does not have much in the way of story, characters or action set-pieces. The most you can hope for is a shoplifter avoiding prosecution by banging a heavily tattooed security guard. The zillions of stepmom sex lessons/fake agent/horny doctor scenarios are even less narratively compelling. Seriously, even Hollyoaks is better.

Are you about to start wanking?

You’re assuming the answer is ‘no’, but your journey would be a lot more relaxed with a verbal assurance.

Can’t you wait until you get home?

It’ll be worth it. Compared to being on a rattling diesel vehicle with ‘BNP’ scratched onto the window meandering through suburbs, masturbating at home is as suave and sophisticated as Sean Connery seducing Ursula Andress on a Jamaican beach.

Do you compulsively watch porn in every spare moment?

While waiting for your toast to pop up, do you visit Pornhub for 90 seconds of ‘MILF blowjob compilation’? A bit of ‘Real escort f**ked three ways’ while you’re waiting for your kid’s appearance in the school play? During the silent contemplation section of a memorial service, do you squeeze in a couple of minutes of ‘Husband catches wife with best friend’?

Have you got a girlfriend?

Surely this can’t be compatible with a normal relationship? Or maybe expectations are that low now? ‘Craig’s so romantic, he didn’t wank once during dinner.’

Am I the one out of step with society?

Has society become so debased that you’re the weirdo? Could you have mitigated the boredom of Jurassic World Dominion by wanking whenever Bryce Dallas Howard appeared on screen, gaily flinging jism around the auditorium, and no one would have batted an eyelid?

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How to warn people that you're bringing your mate who's a prick

IT CAN be difficult to tell friends that you are bringing a plus-one who is a knob, so here are some gentle ways to prepare them for the experience:

‘He’s a bit of a character’

This playful euphemism makes your twat mate sound like a storybook villain who wears too many hats rather than someone who casually insults barmaids. Present him as a unique experience so everyone can enjoy his foul rants as a quirky and creative usage of language.

‘He tells it like it is’

Honesty is a virtue. Repeating whatever bollocks you’ve read on right-wing Facebook is not, but suggesting he’s just saying what everyone else is really thinking reframes his rudeness as radical openness. No one can hate a prophet of the people.

‘He’s a Marmite person’

Love him or hate him – it can swing both ways. Theoretically. So far everyone’s swung directly to loathing, but who knows how it’ll go this time? For some reason he just rubs people up the wrong way with the words he says and the arsehole things he does.

‘He has a dark sense of humour’

Sure, some might think his quips are offensive, mean, homophobic and misogynist, but that’s because he’s mining a sophisticated seam of ironic humour that mere Friends-watching innocents can’t comprehend. A lengthy discussion about the boundaries of comedy might distract from what he’s saying for a few moments.

‘He doesn’t suffer fools gladly’

Casting the belligerent wanker is an impatient intellectual who it’s tough to keep up with hides the truth your buddy will not listen to a single opinion contrary to his own. Really, he’s like all of us. Only much, much worse.

‘You’ll get used to him’ 

Like piles, or a sinkhole in your garden, or Tory corruption, you’ll get used to him. You won’t ever like him and you’ll always long for the days when you were blissfully unaware of his existence, but you’ll get used to him. Soon your friends will be warning their friends about him with the above phrases.

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