Sheen to judge Crackhead Idol

WAYWARD heart throb Charlie Sheen will head the judging panel on ITV’s Crackhead Idol, in which ordinary drug addicts compete for a $1m Twitter rant deal.

Charlie only drinks Schweppes Diet Tiger Blood

The forthcoming series will borrow the format of Pop Idol and is based on the premise that people who are on drugs are compellingly watchable.

Contestants will perform an unhinged, expletive-filled rant accompanied by a lavish series of threatening physical gestures before a live studio audience for two minutes or until they are wrestled to the floor by security guards.

A spokesman said: “Charlie is one of the finest demented minds working today and we’re ecstatic to be able to encourage him provided he doesn’t actually die on us because that would be sad.

“The panel will probably be just Charlie, and maybe two or three raucous whores, one of whom might have been in a straight-to-video slasher film in the 80s called something like Night Slayer III: The Reckoning.”

He added: “It’s all about wild, crack-fuelled self expression. Anything goes except throwing faeces and stabbing members of the audience.

“This is your chance to become a folk hero, beloved of students and people whose boring office-based existences make the squalid antics of the wretched seem oddly alluring.”

Last night’s auditions in Gloucester attracted over 3,000 crackheads, although this number was quickly reduced to 2,872 after a series of bottle fights.

One hopeful, the hotly-tipped ‘Welsh Pete’, of no fixed address, said: “I’ve got this frozen joint of lamb, right, you can have it for a tenner. Or it might be a goose.

“Alright, a fiver.

“Wait…I haven’t got it any more. Someone’s nicked it or something, fuck…fuck.”

He added: “Have you got a straight? You have got one, I can tell from your face. Give us it.

“Also, I need 23p for the phone.”