Masterchef viewers divided over Greg Wallace copulating with food

VIEWERS are divided over the new Masterchef format, in which judge Greg Wallace assesses each dish after having sexual intercourse with it.

Tweaks to the latest series mean contestants’ puddings are now presented to Wallace on a thick, bouncy mattress.

He has his way with each of them in turn before giving comments on texture, warmth and filthiness, while John Torode looks on darkly and does sinister dry coughs.

Contestant Stephen Malley said: “When Greg said my raspberry torte tasted ‘laaaavely’ in a creepy, lascivious tone I was very pleased and assumed that would be the full extent of his feedback.

“So you can imagine my horror when he began to undo his flies.

“Wallace went at that cake like a spaniel on a chair leg. Within seconds my beautifully-crafted dessert had been smashed into a thousand sweat-soaked pieces.

“Afterwards Greg sucked the bits of fruit out from under his fingernails, slowly and one at a time, chuckling and muttering something about ‘loving it, you flour-substituted little bitch’.

“Then John Torode helped himself to a forkful and said I’d really delivered some big flavours.”

Masterchef viewer Nikki Hollis said: “The sight of Greg’s billiard-ball head bobbing up and down like some malevolent nodding dog has forever sullied my mind.

“Having said that, I turned over to ITV2 to find OMG! With Peaches Geldof was under way. Which makes a cockney homunculus rutting with a cake seem like Dostoevsky.”


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Pope distances himself from Galliano

THE Vatican last night insisted Pope Benedict could not be more different from fascist dress designer John Galliano.

The pontiff has published a new book studying the gospels of John and Matthew, with particular reference to their views on the combination of A-line skirts worn with flat, open-toed sandals.

In it, he argues that scriptural variation between the two canonical gospels need not lead to heterodoxy and that both authors were clearly influenced by St Paul’s Letter to the French edition of Vogue.

A Vatican spokesman said “Despite the lassez-faire attitude to sexuality, love of flamboyant clothing and belief that they are God’s earthly envoy, they couldn’t be more different.”

“His Holiness does not think all Jews are bad – just quite a few of them – and he does not, at this stage, sport a pencil moustache. As you can see, chalk and cheese.”

He added: 
”Mr Galliano makes his living from having a congregation sit in rapt attention as a group of people in bizarre outfits walk in procession down a central aisle in a display that seems to both worship and deeply dislike women.

“Whereas… shut the fuck up.”

The spokesman also stressed that, while Galliano has expressed his admiration for the Nazis, Pope Benedict only joined the Hitler Youth because brown was the new black.