Five Bible plot holes that make the whole thing totally unbelievable

ADAM and Eve only had sons, so where did their grandkids come from? Here are some other glaring Biblical plot holes:

Adam and Eve’s grandkids

Adam and Eve’s sons had children, but the only woman around at the time was their mum, so where did the grandchildren come from? This conundrum has never been fully explained, perhaps because the potential answers are too worrying for the whole of mankind.

Noah’s Ark

How did Noah and his family look after two of upwards of two million types of animal when London Zoo needs hundreds of staff to take care of the 700 or so species it has? They would be working around the clock just to shovel the endless piles of manure overboard, and the ark would have to be an incredible feat of engineering the size of Scotland.

Judas betraying Jesus

Why did the authorities need Judas to point Jesus out to them? He arrived to huge crowds and spent his time wandering round Jerusalem doing meet-and-greets and making scenes with money lenders. Seems like the Jerusalem police chief couldn’t find his own backside with both his hands if he wasn’t aware who Jesus was.

God creating the universe in six days

Anyone who’s had a kitchen extension built knows this is utter nonsense. A genuine miracle is getting builders to turn up on the day they say they will, but even then, they’ll arrive at 11am and mysteriously leave at 3pm without telling you they’re going. A universe made in six days would not be structurally sound.

The Three Wise Men

No one buying a gift for a baby has ever thought to themselves ‘I know, I’ll shell out for a some frankincense, he’ll love that’. If the Bible was believable, the Three Wise Men would have brought a stuffed toy camel, a wooden rattle and a bottle of gin for Mary.

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Britons pretending to enjoy sun through gritted teeth 

PEOPLE across the UK have miserably begun their annual ritual of pretending to enjoy temperatures above 18 degrees Celsius.  

Despite their better judgement, pasty-skinned Brits have been flocking to the country’s beaches and parks, enduring sweaty backs, chafing thighs and serious sunburn to maintain the yearly delusion.

Martin Bishop said “We went down to the local park with the children and it was a horrendous experience from start to finish.

“We sat grumpily in full sunshine until one of the kids succumbed to heatstroke and fainted. But what else were we meant to do, stay in our pleasant, cool house?

“Everyone else in town had the same idea and was also obviously hating it. No wonder that massive, drunken brawl broke out.”

Helen Archer, who spent the day at Bournemouth beach with friends, said: “It was completely shit. We sat near a sewage outlet pipe and slowly developed migraines from the glare coming off the sea.

“But we only get one week of horribly warm weather a year, so you have to pretend to have a nice time while wishing desperately for the usual delicious cold drizzle to return.

“Fake enjoyment is an important British tradition.”