Six bullshit best-of-2023 lists you'll hate yourself for engaging with

FEELING pressured to skim through subjective rankings of things you haven’t bothered to see or hear written by twats with nothing better to do? Check these out: 

Albums of 2023

As recently as a decade ago, these lists were full of intrigue and mystery. ‘I must check out Doris by Earl Sweatshirt,’ you’d think, ‘and be a cooler person.’ Now you read lavish praise for a genre-warping indietronica album, pop it on streaming and conclude it’s shit within 45 seconds. Stick with the curated selection of CDs in your glovebox.

Films of 2023

Easy enough, given that piss-all got released post-Barbenheimer because the public can’t be trusted to see a film unless Timothée Chalamet is on a chatshow. All the other movies are either high-grossing Hollywood shite or artsy wankery you can’t justify wasting time on when you could have been down the pub. Anyway, the winner is Cocaine Bear. 

TV of 2023

The opposite of albums: ten years ago you’d have seen most of it. Now you’re being recommended shows you’ve never heard of on streaming services you just now found out exist, and none of them can beat a midweek repeat of Masterchef. Anything that has any level of mass appeal is low in the chart and you’re basic for watching it.

Books of 2023

Come on. Who are you fooling? With attention spans at an all-time low, the only bigger waste of time than reading an article about books is an actual book. It doesn’t matter how highly the Times places the third of a five-volume definitive biography of Picasso, you’re not going to read it.

Podcasts of 2023

An infuriating list of part-time celebs that have nothing better to do than talk about their very fortunate rises to fame with unemployed friends. What new true crimes with implausible twists have been discovered? Which background noise comforts you most on the bus? Who’s kept you company during your lowest points? Why are you so alone?

Songs of 2023

Your last chance to bone up for your 2032 appearance on PopMaster, when you’ll be unable to identify which Taylor Swift song was from this year and which ruled all the other years of the decade like interchangeable South American despots. Your Spotify Wrapped was last week. You already know your song of the year. You are rightly ashamed.

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Middle-aged daredevil eats three different ultra-processed foods at lunch

A MIDDLE-AGED man has amazed onlookers by eating three different ultra-processed foods in one sitting.

Reckless 45-year-old glutton Bill McKay accomplished the life-threatening feat after purchasing a Rustlers quarter pounder, a bag of Mini Cheddars and a Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle from his local petrol station.

Carolyn Ryan, who witnessed the stunt, said: “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. He made Evel Knievel and those people who ride motorbikes up walls look like pussies.

“No sooner had he scoffed one thing then he was instantly tearing into the next. I dread to think how much palm oil that lunatic was shoving into his system. At least enough to kill a horse, that’s for sure.”

Tom Booker, who joined the awed crowd, said: “There was something beautiful about something so death-defying. With each mouthful people had to hide their eyes, fearing that this would surely be the bite that would finish him off.

“Then for an encore he ripped open a Müller Corner. Only the bravest or stupidest of people tuck into four per cent fruit banana-flavoured puree sprinkled with chocolate flakes. I nearly passed out from the excitement.”

McKay said: “This was just the opening act. Tonight I’m doing hardcore shit like eating a Pukka pie sandwiched between two chocolate chip cookies.”