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How to understand today's youth with the Teen-English Dictionary

HAVING remained a mystery for centuries, a new dictionary has translated the various grunts and noises used by teenagers. Start understanding them with these entries.

Ugh

(err-gh) derogatory

Fine, I’ll fix your iPhone for you. Honestly, if I wasn’t around to bail you out, you’d be buying a new one every six months. Bit rich considering you give me so much crap for being glued to mine. It comes in handy when yours is knackered and you come whining to me for help.

Hnnnnngh

(hunn-guh) protest

No I’m, not going to ‘friend’ you on Facebook, dad. I’m not even on Facebook. That’s for old people. You might as well ask me if I’m planning on getting a fax machine or a gramophone. Please don’t join TikTok, it’ll be peak cringe.

Fuuuu

(fu-uuh) inter-generational resentment

Thanks Boomer for f**king up the economy so badly I won’t be able to retire or afford a cardboard box to live in. But also can I please have 20 quid?

GWAAARRRNGH

(gwar-rn-guh) frequent and indecipherable hormone-induced rage

No.

Wuuuh

(whu-uuh) chiefly Gen Z

You adults have completely ruined the Earth and then have the gall to whinge when we youngsters raise awareness of the problem and try and fix it. It’s just a coincidence that our protests involve skipping school.

Guuh

(gu-uh) interrogative

Do we really have to go round to gran and grandad’s this weekend? They haven’t got wifi, how am I supposed to keep in touch with my friends? No, I can’t wait until school on Monday to see them. That might be how things worked in your day, but the world’s moved on a little since then.

Muh

(m-uh) valid criticism

Sure, complain about the state of modern music. Like the Eighties were the zenith of sonic endeavours. Need I remind you of Twisted Sister?

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Big gaudy jewel or cheap boring band: How not to say what you think about a friend's engagement ring

BEING forced to react to an engagement ring? Learn how to bury your honest opinion with this guide.

If the gemstone is big, gaudy, and ugly

Wink and say ‘Ooh, someone’s marrying into money’. God knows whether their fiancé really did pay a fortune for that huge, grotesque rock, but they certainly want everyone to think they did. Maybe, just like buying a Range Rover, size is making up for shortcomings in other departments.

If it’s a cheap, boring silver band

Say it’s minimalist and that decluttering queen Marie Kondo would love it. Alternatively, tell them it’s like the new Subway, Pringles, and Burger King logos: flat and uninspiring, but ultimately in vogue. Besides, diamonds are problematic because of all the mining and child labour exploitation. So even if your friend is disappointed by the lack of bling, at least they have the moral high ground.

If it doesn’t fit properly

If the ring is visibly slipping off their narrow, witch-like fingers, remind your friend they’ll grow into it like when a mum buys a school jumper four sizes too big. At the other end of the spectrum, if it’s choking off the blood supply to their sausagey digits, point out that there’s no risk of it falling off in the bath and spiralling down the plughole. After all, when Goldilocks found stuff that was perfectly-sized, she got threatened by bears, so it must be a bad omen.

If it clearly cost their fiancé their life savings

Who needs a big wedding or a mortgage or the heating on? They can get married in the registry office with four or five friends as witnesses, rent a studio flat in Croydon, and spend the rest of their lives making loan repayments. Just lie to your friend and tell them it’s beautiful, then politely ask if they’ve kept the receipt in case they ever need a refund.

If it’s beautiful and perfect and you’re apocalyptically jealous

You can’t spoil your friend’s special moment. There’ll be plenty of other opportunities to revel in schadenfreude. Maybe it will chuck it down on their beautiful June wedding day. Maybe their baby will look like Steve Buscemi. Grit your teeth and congratulate your friend and her hot, kind, funny, wealthy fiancé who you definitely haven’t had several sex dreams about.

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