Snooze button lets man repeat worst part of the day

THE snooze button on a man’s phone allows him to repeat the most torturous part of the day again and again, it has emerged.

As well as briefly switching off his alarm, Nathan Muir’s snooze button has the added function of jolting him back into miserable consciousness at five-minute intervals over the course of half an hour.

He said: “There’s nothing quite as terrifying as waking up to my shit life. And thanks to my phone alarm’s snooze button, I can go through that harrowing experience at least half a dozen times before I get out of bed.

“When I’m asleep I get to live out fantastical dreams. When I’m awake I’m reminded of my measly bank balance and unfulfilled ambitions. No wonder I’m doing my best to stave that off for as long as possible.

“Whoever invented the snooze button really thought it through. It gets worse each time you hit it, until the main thing that wakes you up is self-loathing. I’m surprised Apple doesn’t make a bigger deal of it in their flashy launch speeches.”

Muir’s girlfriend Eleanor Shaw said: “He wouldn’t have so much trouble getting out of bed if he didn’t keep us both up late scrolling on the f**king thing.”

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Girlfriend fine with Bridgerton sex scenes not okay with MILF porn

A MAN has discovered his partner has terrible double standards about sex scenes that are not part of the popular TV show Bridgerton.

Tom Logan’s long-term girlfriend Nikki Hollis enjoyed watching Viscount Bridgerton perform cunnilingus on Kate Sharma, but was strangely annoyed by him watching hot housewife-themed pornography on his laptop.

Logan said: “Nikki seemed totally cool with the sex in Bridgerton, so I assumed it was fine to open my laptop and watch two hot MILFs getting it on with a pizza delivery guy.

“How wrong I was. She was all like ‘What are you doing?’ and ‘For f**k’s sake, Tom’, just because I’d undone my belt and was taking my trousers off.

“It’s the hypocrisy that rankles. Sure, the sexy toffs have a bit of backstory, but how do you know that two large-breasted, dick-hungry MILFs and a well-endowed guy with shaved pubic hair didn’t have an intense, passionate love affair as well?

“Also Cougar Cock Patrol 6 only lasts 20 minutes, which to my mind makes it a more succinct and tightly written piece of drama than Bridgerton.”

Hollis said: “I was probably a bit harsh with Tom. Bridgerton would be much better with some facial ejaculation shots.”